death of a dream.
i'm trying to do as much homework as i can right now, so i can have some fun later tonight and not feel as guilty about it. it's fucked up that schoolwork totallyh pwms you until the semester's over.
i'm trying to do as much homework as i can right now, so i can have some fun later tonight and not feel as guilty about it. it's fucked up that schoolwork totallyh pwms you until the semester's over.
i'm starting to feel actual stress caused by school already. christ, it's catching up with me fast and i've barely cracked open any of my books. too busy with these group projects and shit. goddamnit, one of my teachers assigns a portion of a group project each week so it forces my group to meet on sundays to get all the work done. i hate it when teachers ruin my weekends like that.. makes me want to put a bullet in their head.
other than that, i might be hitting up this minirave called ultimate arsenal this friday. it's just a one night event, but should prove to be fun.
i am really enjoying this weather. low to mid 60's, breezy, and drizzly with grey skies. it's very melancholy. besides that, i ate at wow cafe and wingery tonight. it was pretty good cause they used actual fresh chicken breasts for their strips and other good quality shit.
i started refreshing my visual basic skills tonight. the last version i used was microsoft's visual studio 2003. the class i'm taking (emerging technolgies) is now using visual studio 2005, which is cool since i have realized they added a lot of useful shit and fixed a lot of dumb crap that annoyed me in the old version. i've got a programming assingment due in about 2 weeks, but it doesn't look like it'll be too hard.fucking nice to be learning something in school that is at least somewhat interesting now.
i dunno, i really wanna upgrade my computer, but i don't currently have all the funds that i'd like to spend on it. right now i'm looking at about a grand for what i want.. and that would be enough to buy a new case too so i could use my old parts as a htpc in my living room. i could easily afford to make loan payments if i were able to get the $1000 loaned to me, but due to my credit situation, i haven't had any luck getting a credit card approved. does anyone else with a bad credit history (mine is only due to past medical pills that were paid off--but somehow they stuck on my credit report) have experience in getting a bank to approve you for a credit card or loan? ideas.. anyone? anyone? bueller?
it's quite rainy out today. the weather definitely fits my current mindstate. a little less than 2 weeks before the semester begins. i know i should be savoring my stressless time off, and i guess that's what i'm trying to do. pretty much, that just means getting faded every night and possibly playing video games in between watching tv programs. whatever.
how are you, soundgard?
well, i moved into my new apartment. it's pretty nice, although the majority of my shit is still in boxes. it's awesome to have my own domicile though, where no one can lay down the law except me. i am a bit disappointed in the fact that the awesome free couch i got won't even fit through my door--much less up the three flights of winding stairs. oh well, i guess it's time to go couch shopping this weekend.
not really much else has been happening, as i am at work right now. i was enjoying some maui waui last night, which was incredible. i think i am still slow today because of it. the heat wave has finally lifted too, leaving us with some great weather.
not much has been going on. i suppose i have been having a decent week. it's been really nice outside. i did pretty good on my qpi exam, i think except for one question.
29 days and counting till wemf.
i am 23 now. it really doesn't seem like much of a difference than 22. i'm very fucking drunk right now, and i suppose that's a good thing. oh well, i am listening to the new tool.
it's monday. the first of may. hooray? haha, that rhymed. i am so lame.
i guess i have about 1.5 weeks of actual class left for this semester. i guess that's not much. then summer school. i have to write a paper this week. blech. and i need to start looking for apartments.
i still have a lot of hate inside me. i feel it when i wake up in the morning and look out my window and see the world moving about. for some reason, i wish it would just stop. freeze frame. pause. everything standing still.
if this really happened, i think it would make me feel peaceful. i wouldn't have to worry about keeping up with the world. i'd walk down the street, look up at the sky and see the clouds and sun frozen in time. this would bring a quaint smile to my face. i would laugh as i see all the people who were previously so wrapped up in their lives just standing there, motionless, their ambition and goals ripped away from them without even a whisper of a protest. i think it would make everyone truly equal. no race relations, rich, poor, you name it. just beautiful statues of lives that used to be.
am i fucked up for wishing this upon humanity? no.. i don't think so, i'm just a lonely stoner living in this cruel prison of an existence.
... stayed in bed longer today so i didn't have to deal with living life.
.. and i approve this new theme for monkeyphish.
i figured it was about time for an update, although not much is going on. saturday night was andrea's birthday party at owen's cabin. it was a good chill time with a lot of old friends. i think andrea had a good time too. hooray.
this week is chemo, all day and every day. unngh! well, i'm on day 2 of 5 currently. hopefully i can make it to friday, but then i'll be even sicker this weekend. guhh. sorry, i have to make a lot of grunting noises to describe this process.
also, got kmfdm's new hau ruck cd. what a classic masterpiece. they could have made this record in 1989 and it would sound just the same.
[current music]: 30 seconds to mars - hunter
work went suprisingly bad today. customers are the bane of my current existance which is bad at a place like best buy. my coworkers are great, though. i'm going to stick with it and see if i can numb myself to stupidity and anger.
after my scheduled time, i stayed a couple hours longer and ate some more propaganda. another manager feeding me the same sauce. i don't blame them .. they're trying to drill it into new employee heads. most people just aren't as smart as i am. <3
umm. what else. oh yea, i found out a bunch of guys at work play world of warcraft and a couple of them jumped me, beat me and forced me to start a character on their server. i'm gonna give it a try .. could be fun. and this should be an easy way to the "in" crowd. (a few of them are managers) .. i'm looking forward to it. they sound like very amateur, leisurely players.
i need sex. and some pancakes with maple syrup. and butter. with a glass of milk.
i feel a little better than i did last night before i went to sleep. but not by much. my hands are very swollen and puffy. they are also almost completely numb. as in, i can't fucking feel them. how am i supposed to grip a pen in class to write anything? jesus. fuck. i am really not enjoying life too much lately.
when will things take a turn for the better?
did i mention i smell fucking great right now? ...
also, i've uploaded a few pictures i found on my camera. nothing amazing or spectacular. the most recent is me with my newest haircut.
i smell nice. i felt the urge to shave. so i did. my face is smooth except for the burns, goat and 'stache. i've been considering shaving off the mustache and leavingthe goatee to fly solo. i did it before and liked it. i dunno, though. and after i shave i generally take a shower 'cause that's how i roll. ended up spending a long time in the bathroom. and now i could probably get laid easily by blind chick.
so anyway, today was lazy. i sat around. watched tv. listened to music. clutch for the most part. blast tyrant and robothive/exodus. speaking of which i don't think i'll be heading up for the show. i'm not disappointed. there will be more. i am pretty sad about not heading up there, though. but again, another time.
omg omg omg. i just saw a dominos commercial for steak pizza. that looks good. i want. i've already had dinner but i still want that. holy shit if they delievered to my land-of-no-hope i would be rolling in cheese and sauce.
friends is coming on and will be followed by sex and the city. my next two hours are planned. does that make me a loser? =\
so i bought most of my books. my entrepreneurship class has 3 books, so it looks like i'll have a bit of reading to do for that class. production and operations management only had 1 book, and my accounting class seemed to have an optional cd-rom and study guide. so i'm not sure i need that one, so i'll have to wait till class tomorrow.
but i'm fucking tired now. that walk to and from the bookstore tired me out bad. i'm thinking of taking a short nap before my class at 5:30. yawn.
that movie fucking rocked. it was full of whip ass and i loved it. jason statham can kick anyone's ass so many times over it makes me wanna cry. it's one of those films where you walk out of the theater feeling cool and when you're driving home your vehicle is kick ass and the music is blasting and you yourself could take on a room full of foes. i'm glad i saw it by myself. it's one of those where you can just sit and watch without any kind of interaction or commentary.
but when watching transporter 2 you have to remember that it's not based in reality. if you wanna see stuff that's possible go watch a documentary. if you wanna see wicked stunts and fight scenes go watch this movie.
work was okay today. kinda sucked. felt longer than before. i hate people in general. there are those few customer's that walk in not looking for a fight, though. mostly the older guys who like to make people laugh and have a generally good attitude. the younger guys who feel they have something to prove usually get ninja kicked in the face by yours truly. but i don't work tomorrow. and right now i'm eating ice cream from coldstone. so whatever.
love <3
in less than half an hour i leave for work. fuck. at least it's not as early as yesterday. still early, though. yesterday wasn't too bad. day went pretty quick and after work went to roll dice. we have some of the most ghetto characters. my dwarf just runs up to people and if i don't have enough of my turn left to do an action like attack then i'll just sit there and go "so what now, bitch? .. see this axe, mother fucker? yea .. i'm going to chop off your balls." then my buddy todd is the drunken archer that volleys arrows into space hoping to hit an enemy ... and did last night. rolled a critical and hit from like 300 feet or something at night. (with a 15% chance to hit me since i was next to the guy)
i'm tossing around the idea of going to see a movie after work. i really wanna see transporter 2. i suppose i'll post again tonight if i see it and give a full review. ... or at least say "omfg kick ass" and leave it at that.
today's choice for music: taproot, blue sky research
i'm really hating my job. but i'm still in orientation so i don't think i'll quit. the training program is complete bullshit. 100% propaganda with some instruction on how to squeeze the customer into poverty. tomorrow i start actual job training, though. i hope. maybe i'll actually get to look at some bastard's busted ass computer, hit some keys, fix it and feel better about myself.
last night i wasn't getting sleepy and couldn't sleep so i took a unisom sleepgel. an hour later it hadn't done anything so i took another. next thing i know my alarm is yelling at me and i'm face first in my pillow drooling. my morning shower didn't even wash away the haggard.
i'm really looking forward to the transporter 2. it's in theaters now so i need to find some time to see it. jason statham is an incredible man. he fucking ruled in lock stock & two smoking barrels/snatch as well as the first transporter. i work monday but i'm off at around 3:30 so i might slip away to the theater that's two minutes away. one big plus about my employment is location. consumer mecca.
at any rate, if anyone wants to make out call my cell <3
i'm not feeling the surge of teenage-like angst today. work went well. one of the guys who is training with me agrees that the curriculum is bullshit so we sat in the meeting room and bitched about it for a while. made the day go by pretty quick. some of my co-workers are pretty damn cool .. especially the seniors. i haven't worked with the geek squad folks yet though. they look like assholes. you know the kind of techs that think they're better than everyone else? that's not how i roll. i just hope we can get along enough to not get me fired.
i haven't played world of warcraft today and it feels pretty good. i may have to continue this. map it out .. kinda like alcoholics anonymous.
i connected to irc so that i could continue to idle (the usual) and one of the channels had this topic: *** NewOrleans has quit IRC (Excess Flood)
i got turned on to a pretty interesting application by accident yesterday. i was browsing around this guy's online portfolio and noticed he had a few mixes he'd created .. kinda tech/trance. said he used propellerhead reason 2.5. so i did some research and there's a version 3.0 out. looks like a phatty, full featured machine. and there's a mac version which ties into my latest interest .. oh my god
we've all heard about intel and apple. i think i started to cry out of sheer confusion when i heard the news. but i was inspired. i made a decision. my next laptop will be the nexgen powerbook. yes. the backlit keyboard is going to make me happy. and perhaps osx will inspire me to be creative.
wasn't that a positive post?! .. i still hate life.
after reading gard's long entry about his life, and reflecting, i decided to come up with something a bit more lengthy as well. when we had poofin, i don't think i had an entry that spanned more than a paragraph or two the entire time it was running.
so what's going on in my life? well, since being diagnosed with cancer in early july, and having surgery, and going through chemo.. not much else. i guess i feel like my life has taken a huge dip again in quality. and it fucking sucks. since i graduated high school, i've now had surgery twice, gotten arrested, and now i have testicular cancer. i think karma owes me a huge break, one of these days. i know of a great way karma can hit me back. maybe help me find a girl this year. and it's not just about getting laid for me, i desire a relationship with another human being on a completely different level than anyone else in my life. someone i can relate to and is just as interested in my life as i'm interested in theirs. but it's fucking hard for me to introduce myself and talk to people i don't know at all. i'm very shy. and on top of that, i think it's difficult to put the "mack down" when i look sick as fuck most of the time and have no hair. chemo is supposed to be done by the end of september. i hope my body goes back to feeling normal by then. i'm getting pretty sick of living like this.
school starts a week from yesterday. i'm meeting up with my buddy to go purchase textbooks later today. i'm a little nervous for school to start up again. since i'll still be in chemo for about the first month, i'll need to play catchup a lot. hopefully my professors will be somewhat understanding of my condition, and will give me a little bit of a break on handing shit in late when i am out for chemo. also, i don't have a single class that's outside of the business building. they're all 300 to 400 level business administration classes. let's see.. entrepreneurship, accounting, operations management, and c++. that's some hardcore shit. if i was doing college in 4 years, i would have graduated last spring. and as it stands now, i'm on the 6 year plan, with about 4 semesters to go, and that's only if i do some summer school. kinda makes me feel like a fuckup. but i guess i'm thankful that i'm not graduated and expected to find a "real job". god.. that is not even in the realm of my reality right now.
as far as actually doing shit, i haven't been doing a goddamn thing. since we moved into the new place and have digital cable, it pwns my life. it's not like i've been feeling strong or well enough to go out, so starting at 6pm, the tv goes on and i watch csi and other assorted crap until 10, when adult swim comes on, my holy grail of cable. i rarely play video games anymore. i just don't seem to have the drive or attention span. i would love to finish final fantasy vii, dungeon siege 2, halflife 2, and maybe even play some competitive unreal tournament. but i just can't seem to get myself to. and i doubt that's gonna change, especially when i have to worry about assignments.
so yeah, i don't know at what point in my mind this entry started or where it ended. i guess that's the beauty of an online journal. thank you, mt and monkeyphish.
it's pretty sweet that we have a new place now. i really missed updating. too bad i don't have much to say. or maybe i'm just unable to say it.
i now am about to get the chemical glow. the shiny black slickness than makes your stomach turn inside out. all day the nanobots picked apart my soul. it just makes me want to fucking shout.
welcome, comrades, to monkeyphish.
well, could this possibly be it? what at least two people (including myself) have been waiting for? i can feel the angst starting to swarm around my fingertips. i believe it's time to start complaining about how much life sucks in general. again.
but not yet. not yet.
a lot has happened in the past few months. crazyfoo and i are still alive. that's all you need to know for now.
much love. here's to MONKEYPHISH
