i need a hot blue coil to meld my broken cerebral cortex back together. it was utterly destroyed when my circuit board stared smoldering, igniting a chain reaction that permanently split my temporal lobes apart. i am now nothing but an empty carcass; a series of tangled wires and shattered glass memories.
i really hate my life. why?
i'm stupid, i'm not attractive, i'm lazy, i have no control over my health, i'm a failure, i have nothing to look forward to, i'm lonely, i'll never amount to anything, and i'm depressed constantly.
fuck. fuck. fuck.
.. just had to get that out of my system for a second.
it's hard to go to the hospital and see one of your friends lay there in a coma. heroin is the world's worst creation, i've decided. my friend did his usual dose of dope 2 days after he got out of rehab and od'd. now he had to be brought back to life with those electrical paddles. jesus. now they think he has brain damage and he might not come out of it.
and i was having a shitty day/week before i found out about this. school is kicking my ass and i think people need to die.
music: korn - lost
look what fucking time it is. fucking look. i have to leave for work in less than an hour. this is goddamn unheard of. working for fucking nazi germany would probably be easier .. until they found out i have some jew somewhere in my family. that and i'm an american. i'd probably end up getting a luger in my face fairly quickly. fuck!
on the upside i only work six hours today and i'm off tomorrow. part time is kinda nice but i still hate it. i would so much rather have my old job back. it's unfortunate i wouldn't even consider it right now. it's times like this when chugging a frothy travel thermos of orange death sounds fucking fantastic. i want so badly to flip on my playstation2 and finish final fantasy x right now.
did i mention i have a memopad from IEEE with my name printed on it? yea, i'm better than you. i'm a membmer, bitch.
i don't really know what to say. it's 2am on the east coast and i'm sitting in my room not able to sleep wondering what the fuck. i have to work tomorrow. started my new job less than a week ago. i'm a fucking "agent" for best buy's geek squad. and on top of that i'm still in augusta-fucking-georgia. (on a side note, while i'm typing this, i'm saying it in my head in a very monotone style) all-in-all i've taken a few steps down the ladder of life. i used to be proud of my employment and position. it felt like i was on the road to a career as a network administrator. now i haven't even finished general orientation and i already hate it. they're pumping all kinds of propaganda thru me and it's making me ill. i try to justify all of this (as i usually do) with thoughts of wanderlust. "well, best buy is a huge company with stores all over this country. they even use the same training through SOPs. maybe i could use this to go up to baltimore. maybe this is my ticket! oh golly wouldn't that be grand?!" ... sigh
on top of that i've been playing a shitload of world of warcraft. i haven't been so addicted to a game since the original everquest of the late 90's. it's been a month+ .. give or take .. since i started and i'm already feeling the burn. i hate "mmorpg". i think i may just stop. cancel my account. i think i liked sitting here with nothing to do but download/listen to new and old music .. watch tv .. check out shitty porn .. talk to people who didn't use "u, r, lfg, afk, join my guild!, DWARFNUTZ IS A NINJA" and the like .. and generally be in a state of limbo.
not everything is bad, though. bad is just what i notice. i got really, really shitface, fucked up last week and in the process went online and bought a $40 icemat mousepad because my func pad was dirty and i didn't feel like cleaning it. my logic is pretty outstanding sometimes. i've also started playing a tabletop role playing game that stems off from ad&d. every sunday i meet with a few people, (who also play .. yea .. world of warcraft) we roll dice and it's generally fun. more fun than any graphically based rpg, in my opinion. (side note: i actually backspaced "imo" and typed out "in my opinion". i'm getting tired of all the shortcuts .. sometimes understandable with a case like advanced dungeons and dragons. i guess i feel i should more accurately type what i would say out loud)
i never finished final fantasy x. i burned myself out on that as well trying to level up my characters near the end of the game. the same happened with final fantasy vii .. still never completed. i have a shitload of playstation games sitting here. why did i go out and buy world of warcraft? i believe it's nothing in comparison to the stories told in some of these games. world of warcraft doesn't even have a story. these giant online games can't .. they need money to survive so an ending isn't possible. i believe a good story must have a good ending. (dot)hack. xenosaga. star ocean. kingdom hearts. the legend of dragoon. final fantasy i thru x2. i have all of these and haven't finished one. well. with the exception of final fantasy viii. that was a fucking fantastic game. best. ever. (side note: advent children is a bright shining beacon in my foggy future. i'm so looking forward to it)
in closing .. i'm not happy. for the longest time i thought my ex-girlfriend was the cause of all my stress and longing and while it's true that played a significant part in my general self hatred .. there's a lot more to my low self-esteem. i've always known but hating her was a lot easier to chew. instead of eating the tough, overcooked steak, i opted for the hospital pudding. my goal in life is to be content with something tasty and medium rare. first step: realize i'll most likely have to do this alone.
i missed you, movabletype. thank you, monkeyphish ..