fragments and new again
too much .. i fear i have too much to say. i've waited for so long .. whatever i say right now won't even be a fraction of what i mean to tell you. i'll start with the new chemical brothers. i like it a lot. i didn't listen to it much at first but now i can't keep my hand off of it. i'll be burning a copy for the truck at some point before tomorrow morning. my truck, speaking of that .. i just had a lot of repairs done to it. my check engine light was on, brakes were making noise and it sounded like something was loose in the suspension. my mother took it to her mechanic at the dealership where she purchased her vehicle. $1800+ .. she had them do a 90k mile tune up, oil change, new brakes on all tires, fixed my cracked mirror (which was actually covered under a dodge recall -- as was some other issue), replaced a couple hoses that had dry rot, etc. parents paid for it all. they're also paying off my truck for the time being .. until i can get back on my feet and comfortable again. work is good though -- new paragraph is necessary for this one:
shepeard. my home away from home. when i joined back into the ranks from my lengthly sabbatical, i was simply a paper pusher. my title was "librarian" and while there's nothing wrong with that, it wasn't what i wanted -- i don't even mind what the job entails -- but i want to play with the big toys. malarkey was the man holding me back with his totally idiot commentary and increasingly strong sense of incompetency. he went off and paid $8000+ for a two week training course. for what you ask? a 95% chance of becoming a microsoft certified systems engineer -- i've never met anyone so not deserving of that engineer title. but he passed (which is really funny/sad ..) but i knew something had to be done before he ruined me and the blood center. the backups had not been fully functional for months. most things were getting physically stored on remote media but overall, it wasn't smooth and without flaws. the day he got back, i uninstalled symantec backup exec -- profiles and all. he pissed and moaned all day and eventually left without even attempting to install the software. i log in that night and set up a temporary solution that sucked in comparison but he didn't even make an effort -- anyway -- i see different folders on the remote nas that are completely empty -- exchange being one of them. has exchange not been backed up? i confront him -- what's going on? -- all he can do is tell me that my backup "crapped out" over and over and then eventually blows the fuck up. he and my boss have a closed-door meeting and yelling ensues. he tried to say i'm sabotaging him and god knows what else. my boss calls him a liar and then he puts in his resignation -- he's asked to not complete his two weeks and instead pack his things and leave. i am now the systems admin. actually, before i only claimed network admin but at this point, just to spite the captain -- i'm calling myself systems administrator. love it. monday i'll find out exactly what's going to happen with titles/job descriptions and hopefully $$
but now .. work consumes me. all this week i've been working 11+ hour days -- first one in the building, last to leave .. it's insane but i'm getting a lot done and hopefully it'll show come time for promotion. one miscellaneous side note, i'm being asked to stop wearing hats and start dressing more professional :( as of now, i generally wear cargo pants and an un-tucked tshirt/polo/button up .. i'll deal. oh, and i have to keep fairly clean shaven.
i haven't ingested any chemicals for a long time .. many months. last time was in february i think. i think it's starting to show in my personality. i don't think i'm as fun to hang out with as i was while having great times with friends and pills. i over analyze everthing, i'm not as chatty, i feel shitty about myself in general .. it's not all withdrawl of course .. my personal life is somewhat in shambles.
i used to work with jenny at best buy .. i thought she was cute .. never really talked to her, i just stayed in my assigned spot and did whatever. long after leaving bby, my friend sean got me her number so i called her once in a while .. we'd go for weeks without talking .. then we started doing more, talking a lot on the phone, going out to eat, watching movies .. whatever. she made it pretty clear she didn't want a relationship but i kept ignoring that and just kept enjoying her company. fast forward to today and it's strange if we go for more than a day without at least making some type of contact. we've slept together -- she tells me i snore. but we've never had our clothes off -- and she never reciprocates anything -- but she never said she would -- still .. this is so confusing and strange for me. it drives me mad sometimes but then i have moments of clarity where i think we can just be friends. is that possible? can a boy and a girl be friends? obviously girls have no problem with that but i thought i was above normal guys .. i'm not like them. 'least i didn't think so. maybe i am. on top of all that, i think i fuck up a lot. i say the wrong things when i speak and when i don't speak; nothing tends to be worse than the wrong thing .. somehow i think i need the conflict. i doubt she's even aware of this battle raging in my head -- i guess it's better that way. she never signed on for my emotional bullshit. she also has two pretty cool kids (from the few times i've seen them) .. i wish i knew what was going on.
looks like no wemf this year. i was so looking forward to canada -- but i'm not worried about it. really just looking forward to hangin' out with my homeboy again .. eating at jj's so i can get a #12 (at least i think that's what it was .. it's been a while) .. it's a cool thing to know someone you can do lots of different drugs with -- LSD is on the top of my list. i want to take my current self out of the equation and try to figure out my life thru hallucination and music. july isn't coming soon enough.
it's 10:30 eastern and i'm really sleepy. i doubt i'll be going in at 6am tomorrow but i'm still thrashed from being awake so long. plus tomorrow is friday and malarkey is gone -- it can't be that bad.
also, i'm not going to proofread this. sorry.