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May 28, 2006

right before i cut myself

... mike patton brings a new album into the world ... i actually feel at peace listening to it. "peeping tom" self titled album. release date is 5.30.06 but you can find it on newsgroups or bit torrent. i just close my eyes and let the noise cure me. and as if mike patton alone isn't enough .. he's working with artists such as massive attack, rahzel, norah jones and more. crazyfoo said it best on another weblog: instant classic.

wednesday. i'll be on a plane heading to pittsburgh for a wedding. looking forward to getting drunk and actin' a fool like old times. i'll be one of the groomsmen so it should be interesting .. wearin a tux and pimpin my cane.

in case you weren't aware, i walk with a cane now due to my left big-toe's nail getting ripped off. i was helping my mom move the jacuzzi out on the porch and i wasn't wearing shoes. it slipped. pain.

god i love massive attack.

May 18, 2006

i can't say i feel older.

i am 23 now. it really doesn't seem like much of a difference than 22. i'm very fucking drunk right now, and i suppose that's a good thing. oh well, i am listening to the new tool.

May 08, 2006

gardness ensues

i'm starting to turn a corner with the status of my physical health. i'm starting to feel more like a person and less like a pool of bile. i still have a few days to go but will be smokin down sweet, watercooled marijuana soon enough.

other than that i have lots of ideas in my head today. a couple friends of mine want us to go back to school. to college. great idea but an idea is nothing without the proper motivation. georgia southern university has a new information technology building where we could grab our bs in information technology while our programmer friend could take on computer science. for some reason i feel inspired to do this -- however, i've missed fall registration so we'd have to wait until spring -- which isn't bad. until then we could just get meaningless jobs and save up cash .. do drugs .. whatever. besides, this also allows for time to study for any entrance/placement exam. i kinda wish they looked at my high school papers but it's been over five years .. i was smart back then. now i'm not as much. or at all.

i guess we'll see. i still have to talk to my companions.

May 07, 2006

i mean, really

i'm about to go to bed but i just wanted to share with everyone that it's really fucking early in the morning and i'm feeling saucy due to the codeine in my body. i ache for your love.

two things i'm looking forward to in the nearish future: 1) my best buddy nate's wedding in june and 2) wemf in canada. #1 is no doubt .. i have to make it or he will eat my testicles with pan roasted au jus. #2 would be so good for my sanity. leave the country with crazyfoo and just go fucking wild for a few days. all these things cost money though. money i don't have and won't have unless i make some attempt at scraping together a living. but shit, that's sobergard talking. i bet i won't even remember saying that once i wrap my lips around my sidecar bubbler packed with tasty herb.

trainspotting is a fucking great movie. the credits are rolling behind me. i guess i missed the last part. i'm wearing headphones that are connected to my computer but nothing is playing at the moment. the only purpose this is serving .. well, to mute the television behind me i guess. but why would i want to do that? maybe i shouldn't go to bed. or maybe i should go to bed and rewind the film to where i think i left off. will that be the correct spot? do i remember the last scene i saw? was he running from the police .. no, well .. kinda. i think it was past the scene where they were in court. fuck if i know. maybe i should start from the beginning. but fuck that too .. i mean, shit. it's not like i have all the time in the world to sit and watch the same parts of a movie over and over again ... .... ..... or maybe that's exactly the case where i have this abundance of time i just don't want to admit it because doing so would be admitting i'm a fucking loser at the same time. where the fuck am i going with all this?

bottom line. i want to go to the wedding /and/ wemf. is it possible? we will see. i'll keep you posted because well .. i'm a fucking loser with nothing better to do, eh?

fuck

my ears feel plugged and i'm weezing like a ninety year old smoker. not to mention there are way too many fluids evacuating my head. i'm coughing so much it makes my throat sore and i'm blowing my nose so much it's bleeding.

this is really fuckin shitty and i hate it. i've quit smoking cigarettes, though. no longer will i pollute my asthmatic lungs with tar and nicotine. however, i can't wait until i can light up some pot. my life becomes unstable when i'm not high. many realizations start to flicker with excitement trying to get me to pay attention .. bullshit like: get a job! .. stop jerking off! .. what about your future, asshole?! .. things like that i can do without. i don't want to care about where i'll be tomorrow let alone years from now.

aside from all that .. a girl came to visit me today. we went to high school together but didn't know each other. i started talking to her on myspace recently which led to instant messaging and in turn was followed by physical contact. we were going to watch a movie but ended up just talking for hours. she's a cool chick but i don't think i could keep a stable relationship with her. she's christian, doesn't smoke pot and doesn't like sushi. who knows, though .. strange things seem to happen to me.

May 05, 2006

well well well

today was a mostly productive day at work. i actually didn't sit on my ass until almost 4 o'clock.

i've been listening to some porcupine tree lately.. they are progressive rock.. i would say the music sounds like a combination between pink floyd and tool, and the singer sounds kinda like floyd meets radiohead. it's good shit. i've only listened to their album called in absentia so far though.

today i feel a lot better than i did for most of this week. i dunno why. this week was totally a huge depressive slump. i felt very isolated and alone. not really lonely.. just alone. i guess i'm been kinda introspective and contemplating my life a lot. whoever first said that life is what you make of it couldn't be more right. sure, it's basically stating the obvious, but i think a lot fewer people actually think about what the statement entails. i guess i just need to get over my motivational problems and get off my ass and succeed. cause the way i'm living life right now, i'm not succeeding at all. in fact, i am very close to failing. it's just not that easy to pick up and change your life one day though. i need some sort of cataylst in order to do that. maybe i just haven't found out what that is yet.

well, i think i'm gonna just chill for tonight and try to get up at a decent hour tomorrow so i can get a good chunk of my paper done.. perhaps even finish it so i can edit it on sunday. yeah.

May 04, 2006

the state of the gard

i can't type much because i'm so fucked up right now .. but i just thought i would inform you all on what's been happening the past couple of days.

i have asthma for the second time in my life. i also have severe bronchitis at the moment. i'm taking so many drugs .. steroids, inhaler, antibiotics, more antibiotics .. life is just kinda shitty right now. the codine is starting to kick in so i better get back to bed .. i hope everyone is doing better than i am right now.

May 01, 2006

significance?

it's monday. the first of may. hooray? haha, that rhymed. i am so lame.

i guess i have about 1.5 weeks of actual class left for this semester. i guess that's not much. then summer school. i have to write a paper this week. blech. and i need to start looking for apartments.