i am such a fucked up person.
there's clearly something wrong with me, since i haven't actually felt genuinely happy in well over a year. i am sick and tired of waking up in the morning and wanting to go right back to sleep cause i don't want to deal with living my life. my group of friends keeps growing smaller and smaller.. i alienate some of them and others i just don't care to be in their prescence anymore. yes, i'm fucked up, and i've fucked up. my only shred of artificial happiness in my life comes from drugs. and let me tell you, the bad side of this is starting to heavily outweigh the good side. should i see a shrink? perhaps, but i don't even have the motivation to call one. it truly is a downward spiral, since the depression keeps me from doing things that would ultimately help me, and the fact that i feel so out of control makes me even more depressed. i feel like i am holding myself hostage. i feel like i should scream at myself, "what do you fucking want, you goddamned son of a bitch??" and then i would respond, "i want to be happy and to have more people around me that care." after that, i would shoot myself in the head, because these demands are too unreasonable to be met. i have a question. is karma stronger than i think? if i change certain parts of my life, will the bad parts get better? i don't know. i'm too scared to find out. i'm not having a bad day, week, month, or year. i'm having a bad life. i have no answers. i am lost. i am perplexed. i am very sad. i can feel depression going through my body, surging through my veins at all times. it's heavy, like mercury in my bloodstream. people have said that i'm the shadiest person they have ever met. people have also said that i'm emotionally closed off and unable to communicate my feelings. i don't really doubt any of these things. i don't miss my ex. i miss my ex. i don't miss being sober. i miss being sober. i need a fresh start. a reboot. okay, i've had enough.