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from textures' new album, track one .. first lyric: we don't need a savior .. to be saved. we only need a clear head and a dream.
fucking love it. but with that said, i am a piece of shit. i'm with you, man .. i wonder which turn we missed while growing up. did we grow up? should we be grown up? how many turns did we miss exactly? why is mountain dew mdx so tasty?
well, friends .. i am going to get high and attempt to watch television .. if anything is on at 4:41am ..
... being called a loser. maybe not directly, but that's definitely how i feel about myself compared to the rest of the world. i'm not succeeding, i'm failing. miserably. i don't know how to change.
best album i've heard this year. new textures -- drawing circles. very sophisticated .. metal.
if you want it, comment, email, im, call, whatever.
it's almost 50 outside and sunny. i think it makes my brain feel slightly nice to know that spring is coming. also, my nose is running and itchy. this may also be another sign of spring. what does spring mean to me? green, flowers, 420, my birthday, the semester ending, paintball, and the beginning of summer. i'll have summer school to look forward to (ugh) but besides that i absolutely cannot wait for some nice weather.
organic bubblegum x crystal rock that smells like hay and is just barely done curing or sexy fucking chem that smells like funk?
mmm mmm bitch!! it'll get ya drunk!!
so i've officially been on spring break for a few days now. it's been good to not have to worry about doing shit. on monday i went to evansville, indiana to surprise one of my friends for his bday. it was fun. good times.
i don't know what else to do really. i might pick up elder scrolls: oblivion for 360 or something. yeah. i'm a nerd and a loser. i also need to continue intoxication. werd?
very very phat. i like the new style.
new style. thought i'd see what mt3.2 was all about. turns out i hadn't loaded the new default templates from the upgrade which stylecatcher uses when applying new themes.
i'm going to take a break from updating .. hopefully crazyfoo will pick up my slack.
MP is going to look a little .. strange .. for a day or two while i seek a resolution to a few issues we're having with the backend.
the only thing i can do right now is max out my speakers with meshuggah's latest album and stare into space. my mind is going in circles and for reasons i won't go into but shouldn't even care about.
i've been staring at this text box for about ten minutes .. i'm gonna go now.
i've been putting a lot of crap on here and for that i apologize. things have been pretty strange lately. i've probably made as many friends as i've lost but is that justified or even real?
i did something that could be described as .. stupid. a few days ago i met up with this girl i used to work with at like 1am and did everything except actual intercourse (thank god ..) .. i mean, i think this girl is nice but i have no feelings for her at all. i could sit here bitching about "why'd i do it? how could i be so foolish?" etc.etc. but it wouldn't do a damn bit of good.
anyway, i didn't get much sleep last night .. notice the time of this post. i keep yawning and my eyes are watering but when i lay down, nothing happens. i just stare at a wall. so instead i'm playing with my keyboard while listening to mindless self indulgence. i guess i should go play some more grandia3 -- i'm really trying to finish it before oblivion comes out 'cause once i have that in my greedy mits everything else is essentially done.
filter - the amalgamut - 03 - american cliche
finch - say hello to sunshine - 09 - a man alone
this is my theme for tonight. tonight tonight. all i've done today is watch television, play games and work very little on project for a client. it takes an act of god to get me motivated. but enough chatter about that.
my computer continues to overheat and reboot. i swear to god there's something wrong with the nforce4 northbridge. i have a couple ideas (well .. one) to resolve the problem including cooling solutions by swiftech and gigabyte.
another accomplishment today was balancing all of my finances .. which i've been neglecting for a couple weeks now. if i get the position i applied for, i'll be back on track in about six months. budget is going to be tight and i don't think i'll be moving out until later in the fall but at least i have a plan.
speaking of moving out, fuck augusta. i know i've said it before but this little shit town has so little to offer. every time i travel it becomes more obvious.
all i see is all all i see is all all i see is all all i see so real
i went. i answered questions. i asked questions. shook hands. now i wait. around one hundred people applied for the position and seven got an interview. the next board meeting is in two weeks and then i'll have my answer.
overall i think everything went well. i like the guys that conducted the examination. now .. it's time to sit in my big, comfy chair and play more grandia3.
there's clearly something wrong with me, since i haven't actually felt genuinely happy in well over a year. i am sick and tired of waking up in the morning and wanting to go right back to sleep cause i don't want to deal with living my life. my group of friends keeps growing smaller and smaller.. i alienate some of them and others i just don't care to be in their prescence anymore. yes, i'm fucked up, and i've fucked up. my only shred of artificial happiness in my life comes from drugs. and let me tell you, the bad side of this is starting to heavily outweigh the good side. should i see a shrink? perhaps, but i don't even have the motivation to call one. it truly is a downward spiral, since the depression keeps me from doing things that would ultimately help me, and the fact that i feel so out of control makes me even more depressed. i feel like i am holding myself hostage. i feel like i should scream at myself, "what do you fucking want, you goddamned son of a bitch??" and then i would respond, "i want to be happy and to have more people around me that care." after that, i would shoot myself in the head, because these demands are too unreasonable to be met. i have a question. is karma stronger than i think? if i change certain parts of my life, will the bad parts get better? i don't know. i'm too scared to find out. i'm not having a bad day, week, month, or year. i'm having a bad life. i have no answers. i am lost. i am perplexed. i am very sad. i can feel depression going through my body, surging through my veins at all times. it's heavy, like mercury in my bloodstream. people have said that i'm the shadiest person they have ever met. people have also said that i'm emotionally closed off and unable to communicate my feelings. i don't really doubt any of these things. i don't miss my ex. i miss my ex. i don't miss being sober. i miss being sober. i need a fresh start. a reboot. okay, i've had enough.
right now i'm looking pretty fuckin fly. grey pinstripe suit with a dark maroon shirt and tie. the tie has silver and grey accents. hot. in about fifteen minutes i'll be driving to the columbia county board of education building in grovetown.
i'm not extremely worried about it -- of course i'm always nervous about things when i have no idea how it's gonna go down. what worries me, actually .. is how many people applied for this position. i'm going to have to be on my A-game.
other than that, though .. last night i went to a couple band practices and listened to some of the new sounds of downtown entertainment. they both sounded fantastic .. especially the second band who has the lead vocalist and drummer from distal (though the drummer is now playing guitar). i keep watching the bassists like a hawk .. trying to learn a few things. i really want to play and have some fun with it. after a couple small bridge modifications and the hookup to my computer via the soundblaster xfi, i'm sounding pretty good .. now comes the learning of the scales.
it's about time to jet .. here's to me and my new house when i get this job. late, peace.
and overrated -- this is the end of everything
i can't fucking get enough. by now i'm sounding like a little bitch -- but -- this creative xfi is the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. 24-bit crystalizer and cmss 3d for-the-mother-fucking-win .. holy jesus biscuit christ. gravy. sausage gravy. white country sausage gravy. on the biscuit.
so last night i went to this girl's place. hung out until like 4am. afterward i went straight to waffle house.
i really need to get this pc hooked up to my hdtv.
random thoughts are what i'm best at. if at any time i stop making sense, please punch yourself in the face.
i've been doing okay lately. today i haven't been feeling that too much. i figured out a few problems i've been having with a client's web site. got the remote working for my soundblaster. but on the same note i've noticed this computer can overheat real quick .. understandably. i'm working out a few plans on how to cool it down without going to some stupid liquid solution.
there's a girl i used to talk to that continuously tries to communicate with me. my day takes a spiral downward whenever she pops up .. which really isn't often. happened today. i guess that's what got me down. i have my reasons. whether or not i'm justified is another story .. this is just how i do things.
i played a long session of grandia3 today. something about it is feeling kind of .. used. it's all been done before, only this time with it's own characters and maps. nevertheless, i still love this game and /will/ finish it. the battle system is fantastic. dungeons and dragons online has also been treating me well. unfortunately i discovered my heat disipation problems while running ddo with some pretty insane visual settings -- nvidia sli for-the-win.
i never did get my hair cut and i only shaved about 50%. tomorrow i guess.
i'm about to jump in the shower and head over to my .. temp job .. i guess. but for some reason i feel inspired to type something. this morning i was tweaking my soundblaster xfi software settings and oh holy shit ... sounds so god damn good. the bass is more powerful .. the trebel is really rich and stands out. i've been listening to a variety of music from cypress hill to nirvana to dave matthews.
i encourage everyone to go purchase a creative soundblaster xfi. hook it to some nice speakers -- 4.1 minimum -- and you'll be set.
/me dies
smoked the last of my kb yesterday. my heart is heavy but it's for a good cause. i interview with the columbia county board of education next week for a technology support position. the chances are looking good. many people are supporting me including teachers at surrounding schools. it's amazing to see how many encourage me and believe in what i can accomplish. putting their own reputation at stake, ya know? i just hope i can pull this one off and knock it out of the park on wednesday.
i picked up a really cool carrying case for my xbox360 along with a second wireless controller. i've found dead or alive4 is more fun with actual people.
later today i'll be stopping by paradise kennels to continue my work on their new web presence. it's going to look terrible but i'm not going to be the one building the actual site. i've got: 1) the domain and hosting setup 2) batch ftp client configured and scripted 3) and frontpage installed on the client's machine. all i need to do now is school the owner/operator on what a "web site" is and how to use frontpage --- on a side note, i chose frontpage for ease of use and my lack of caring about anything else.
today i also plan on shaving my face and getting a haircut. sometimes i wonder .. why do i try?
the time was short but the memories are forever. as it is with every trip i take to baltimore. this journey was a bit different, though. in a nutshell, my friend and i drove to maryland where we drank, smoked, played games and toured the surrounding areas. the high point for my weekend was getting to see julie. she's one of my best friends and even though i don't see or even talk to her much at times, i couldn't imagine her not being there. it's somewhat strange to think how long we've .. been up in each other's business .. but at least we both realize we have something special.
on monday morning (the conclusion to our time in baltimore) -- instead of taking I-95 south to I-20 west -- we eventually found ourselves going through a much more scenic virginia via I-81 south. this took us directly to chatanooga, tennessee and more specifically lookout mountain. we took the incline railway up the mountain and walked around the summit for a while before riding back down and driving up for a different perspective on things. the ruby falls caverns were wonderful but the highlight of my day was touring rock city. lots of pictures were taken but it'll take me some time to organize and polish everything. soon.
i could be more specific .. but not now. i'm still winding down. playing grandia3. smoking a little cannabis. chill.
i need to take mdma and get happy one of these days. sigh.
... so scared to die but wish for it all the time?
depressed again.
i'm leaving for baltimore in a few hours (around 6am on the morning of the 3rd). i've packed most of my things and cleaned out the truck. i've got some some clothes to wash when i wake up but no big deal. i'm not too sure when i'll be back. i guess that's the nice thing about being unemployed. really .. i don't want to come back. i'm tired of this place.
i'm really looking forward to it but something seems heavy .. almost holding me back. can't say what it is, but i'm sure all will be well once i'm on the interstate heading north.
with all that said, i should go get some rest. peace
i got fired from best buy's geek squad on tuesday. here's the situation: i got a couple sodas (at work) and logged into the p.o.s. terminal to pay for them. in order to get the employee discount on the drinks, i used a co-worker's (friend of mine) employee number and then paid. because i rang myself out at the terminal (which is against some company policy), corporate decided to hand me an involuntary seperation form. no shit. and get this: the same guy mentioned above got fired a week earlier for a similiar offense -- my employee number was involved in that transaction.
so in celebration of getting fired, we're driving up to baltimore to get some fresh air. i get to visit my beautiful and wonderful friends while he gets to leave the southeast united states. win-win.
i took my truck to midas for a few maintenance .. things. oil change, tire rotation, transmission flush, fuel system flush. $243 .. wouldn't be so bad if i didn't spend $167 at gamestop while i was waiting (grandia 3, ddo, preorder oblivion 360). time for me to lay in bed and start up grandia. i hope it lives up to the last one.
on a side note: i cancelled my world of warcraft account again. hopefully for the last time. i'm now paying for dungeons and dragons online: stormreach. so far so good .. really pretty. my video card(s) own my very being.