again
i couldn't sleep. i hate nights like this. i can hear the train. i don't live really close to the tracks. close enough. so i've been organizing my files again. all my illegal movies, applications and games have been sorted and resorted too many times so i decided to tackle the more daunting task of .. my documents. i have stuff saved in here that's been preserved for years. it's kinda like my lockbox. i back it up pretty regularly. mostly pictures and assorted downloads i've deemed to be worth saving. so i ran across some pictures of her. she had sent them to me i don't know how long ago. really made me think. i really fucked up .. and at the same time didn't. seeing these pictures hasn't helped. just refreshed my feelings for her .. i don't consider that to be a good thing .. but at the same time it is. i guess. i don't really know anymore. i kill myself with whatif. but as long as i tell myself that my 'whatif' is totally different from hers i'll be okay .. that's what i tell myself .. and then i do some drugs and things seem to be okay.
i'm so fucking down right now .. dxm tomorrow.