MonkeyPhish

there is no room to improve. there's no demand for the product of your next move.

work is going alright. i'm being moved up to a team leader or something. haven't been there two months and i'm already starting to get promoted. i must be hella fucking good or something.

going out tonight. i'm looking forward to the social drinking and loud music. as for this girl, we have zero in common. any time we talk i just end up trashing her and she thinks i'm joking or something.

i've really chilled out in the past week. i'm not going to let things bothers me so much. i'm just doing the daily thing. not really sure about tomorrow or ever.

i really like my bluetooth headset. jabra has always been so good to me. bt800 is no exception.

i need to play some quake4. <3

Posted by soundgard at 06:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

i guess i don't have much to say right now. i'm pretty depressed.. and with good reason. on sunday night, i went to my parents' house to eat dinner like i normally do. they brought up the topic of how they talked to my uncle, who is a radiation oncologist about my cancer. it is his suggestion that i get a second opinion. since finishing chemotherapy, my tumor has shrank from about 6cm to just over 3cm. he said that even though it responded to the chemo excellently, this is still too big to be considered a 'safe point' to just monitor over the course of time. and i was also informed that it is not uncommon to need surgey to remove what remains of the tumor after chemo is over.

so to make the story short, i'm probably gonna need surgery. when? i don't know yet. i'm hoping i'll be able to finish this semester and get it during winter break. so much for having a fun winter break. :(

also, they're referring me to a doctor that works out of indianapolis.. and i believe he is the same doctor who treated lance armstrong. so clearly, he's one of the best out there in this field, and has tons of experience. nothing but the best for me, right? fuck. i hate my life. just when i was starting to feel like a normal human again.. getting my hair back.. getting my energy back.. i have this bullshit sprung on me. looks like i'm still not out of the dark on this one yet. oh yeah.. in case you missed it when i said it before: fuck.

Posted by crazyfoo at 03:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

i don't have much to say. i had one really good day this week. but that's only because i was lying to myself. so beyond that it's been getting gradually worse. i can't blame work or anyone else, though. everything i hate is, for the most part, my fault. i think i'm two dimensional. i'm not seeing things for what they really are. take, for example, this girl .. the one i've been talking about in previous entries. i see is someone that i believe could fill a gap but is out my reach. to top it off, it's because of what i've done that she isn't accessible. but in reality she's still there. she may not want to be with me in a way that i desire but she still wants to be a part of my life. i choose to ignore that fact. at this point i believe it can only take time. but she's going to eventually get married and that's going to be like another bullet in my chest -- if i haven't come to terms. ladies and gentlemen, love does exist. against my every attempt to confirm the "urban myth" .. but it's painful. i think i'd rather have it be a legend.

but some things i'm dealing with have been certified to be shitty. like my job. it's not bad .. the work itself. the pay is a problem. i'm making complete shit for my level of skill. but the market down here sucks. first off, my hourly dollar amount isn't great. on top of that, best buy considers full time to be 32 hours. i believe it's time to search for new employment .. and not because i'm whining about how lazy i am. i think this is a valid point.
-----
i'm typing this approximately one hour past the above text.
so anyway, i'm pretty stoned right now. listening to radiohead - kid a. very profound album for that band. it's strange .. how much better i'm feeling right now. unfortunately i have to be at work in three hours. i fear i'm going to be extremely hungry and tired. lets hope i don't give customers blank stares and start drooling.
now switching to roadrunner united. all music sounds better to me now. incredible even -- especially with how hard this disc hits. but at any rate .. my mother brought this home from her trip. isn't she a sweetheart? always thinkin' about her little boy.
a girl who liked me at work (back at shepeard) sent me a message today. i haven't talked to her since i left for baltimore. we're going out for a drink saturday night at the soul bar. i just want to hear what's been going down. they've recently opened another donation center in evans, georgia. she also knows a little about the status of the servers. it was good talking to her .. communication outside of my normal ring.
eh. i don't have much else to talk about i don't think. gonna chill for a couple hours. then off to enrich myself at the poverty level place of employment. rock and roll. 10-4 good buddy

Posted by soundgard at 10:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

things are never going to be like they were

i'm adrift and at peace

lost in a void .. powerless

surrounded by thick fog

realization is the only bullet in my chamber

a new definition of serenity
--
edit: i really hate my life

Posted by soundgard at 09:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

this slipknot live album makes me feel good.

Posted by crazyfoo at 01:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

i don't really know where to start. yesterday. i .. don't know what to say. it was just .. a blur. hours of intense .. intensity. i'm suprised i'm alive right now. i took more dxm yesterday than i was prepared for. 1500mg. i lost control of everything. for a while i didn't know who i was. it was one of the scariest and most influential drug experiences to date. i wish i could go into detail but i don't really know how to put it into words. i went through every aspect of my life. work. relationships. inner-issues. i was disconnected from myself. nothing made sense. things were happening that i thought i had control of .. but with my sobriety now .. finding out never even happened. the walls and ceiling were surging with activity. i could reach out and touch whatever it was i saw .. and my hand was like a tool from god that could do anything.

one faded thing i remember is that i was scheduled to work yesterday. i completely forgot and got a call asking where i was .. i quickly came up with some bullshit about having a virus and being too sick to come in. i also took the opportunity to call in today because .. yea .. i'm pretty worthless right now. over 12 hours after i dosed, i still couldn't walk straight. 24 hours after, still couldn't see straight. only now am i able to really function.

on a side note, i'm thinking about quitting best buy's geek squad. a local guy wants to hire me into his business as a technical consultant for local businesses. i don't have too many details yet but it sounds promising.

also, my mystery girl has escaped me. it seems so unfair but at the same time i understand. we both love each other .. but the timing has never been right. it seems like this time i'm too late. she's found her mate .. and it's not me. i don't know what to say .. but my heart dropped to the floor. .. i don't really have much else to say about that

so now i'm trying to pick up the pieces. get some rest. figure things out. i'll speak more if i can remember anything else. otherwise .. i'm just going to sleep a lot.

Posted by soundgard at 03:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Troops move forward let it all be done
Beginning of the end soil has been tread
Mother daughter father song sky burns death
Premonition, television stuttering indecision
We the people citizen’s lies are being force fed
Money power cruelty blood is shed in our streets
When where does the sacrifice end

Posted by crazyfoo at 11:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

so i've been on a bender since wednesday.. i think it ended today. but it's only 9:45 and i have a party to go to yet so we'll see. :)

on thursday i went to see nine inch nails in madison. fucking incredible, as expected. i think it was about on par for me with the chicago show, except the crowd was much more hardcore. before nin started, during queens.. we got about 3 rows back from front center stage. things fot increasingly insane during the wait for nin, and when they started, i got fucking trampled. i still have the bruises on my knees to show it. there was a point in time where there were so many people piled on top of me that i thought i was definitely a goner. drinking almost half a bottle of 90 proof whiskey before the show didn't help my chances of survival at the time.. but thanks to a few kind souls who pulled me up i am here to tell this story. god.. i love nin.

friday was kmfdm. fucking excellent. not nearly as many people were there as i thought there would be, which was kinda cool. and they played a bunch of oldskool shit.. and a bunch of shit from hau ruck.

today i'm very tired. yawn.

Posted by crazyfoo at 09:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

i picked up roadrunner united: the all-star sessions today after work. after downloading and listening .. i knew i had to own it. this is the best record i've heard in a long, long time. it's incredible hearing all these insane musicians get together to honor roadrunner records with a full album of original music boasting a taste of old and new fused together birthing a hardcore mesh that makes my body shake uncontrollably. if you're a fan of any kind of metal .. buy this. it's like $12 at best buy and has an awesome dvd that showcases parts of the creation.

i've always loved roadrunner. they have some of the greatest metal bands signed and continue to bring in new talent that blows everyone else away. right now i'm listening to the agony scene. these guys rip out some pretty rockin' metal. after this i'll probably pull out some of my old cradle of filth mixed with a little devildriver. maybe at taste of chimaira.

this music fuels me. i have so much agression built up .. this helps me understand it .. to a point. it at least gives reason to the high-pitched noise in my ears when i'm in a quiet place. with that said, i need more powerful speakers.

i hate to say this .. but i've kicked ass at work the past couple days. i was on a roll taking on everything and not going fucking crazy over it. i explained to one of the techs what "ACPI" was and how it effected IRQs (past and present) .. my boss overheard me and complimented me on my explanation. made me feel smart .. i don't feel like that often. joey from slipknot says he doesn't consider himself a very good drummer .. that's how i feel about my technical skill -- don't get me wrong though, his modesty is incredible compared to mine.

devildriver > coal chamber .. just fyi

on a side note, next week i have four days off so i'm going to take a fucking shitload of psychoactive drugs. cry for me sky ..

Posted by soundgard at 12:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

i'm trashed. the night started out with a cream city pale ale. then 2 dead nazis (a shot of jaeger and rumpleminze). then a rolling rock. then another rolling rock. then a pabst blue ribbon.

Posted by crazyfoo at 02:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

tonight i decided to do something different. i was studying for my accounting exam and then watched law and order: SVU when it came on. my buddy was over watching it with me.. and he had just broken up with his gf of 3 years or so. he definitely wasn't in good spirits, so i decided that we go to the bar, with the intention of meeting new people.. more specifically.. females. so we went to 3 different bars throughout the night.. circle-a, then art bar, then foundations. each was fun in its own manner, but we failed in succeeding to meet any new people, at all. fuck.. well.. baby steps, i decided. i rarely have left my house at all to do much since july 4th.. except to see a movie once in a while.

yeah.. i am very excited for nine inch nails on thursday in madison. chicago's show left me stunned. perhaps i have never seen such a good concert. much less a rock show. jesus. trent reznor is so fucking awesome. and is everyone else in nin. friday is then kmfdm. after kmfdm is acumen nation at club ?. that should be fun.. a bunch of the millionaires are showing up to that. and i'm going with big c. time to get royally trashed.

i guess i don't know what else to say right now. tonight was fun, despite how shitty i've been feeling in general lately. the plan is to go out of the house once a night.. even if it's just for an hour. fuck. i hope things will start to get better soon.

Posted by crazyfoo at 02:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

crazyfoo always listens to good shit. he puts me in my place from time to time when i listen to shit .. for example he schooled me about listening to trapt .. but nin we can both always agree on. the track he was listening to (adrift and at peace) is on still. one of my favorite recordings. i had to think about which album it was on .. which makes me sad .. but all-in-all a wonderfully melodic and chill piece.

i have had my recovery day from the dex yesterday. this is the time when i usually reflect and feel somewhat at peace. i'm not really happy but i'm not really sad either. neutral is a big step up from where i usually am. dxm has really opened my eyes about things. though i imagine in a few days i'll forget 80% of it and be really depressed again. i need something to hold me down .. like, something besides drugs to make me neutral. i don't know if i'll ever stop using drugs .. as of right now i can pretty much say no, i'll do it 'til i die. but i guess if i found a substitute .. who knows. from the countless movies i've seen in my life, love seems to have proven to be a satisfactory equivalent. i want more love in my life. if only to see what it's like.

probably sounds foolish coming from a drugaddicted-tech-fat-loser but i want a wife .. and kids .. and a house. i guess i'm so pissed off all the time 'cause i don't think i'm ever going to get those things.

i went out with my mom this evening. we had dinner and went to see a movie. at dinner i told her about my recent dealings with dextromethorphan. she's always known i love pot. she does too. but psychadelic drugs are a little different. but i love my mother more than life and i tell her almost everything. she told me, when i was your age i did a lot of the same things. she listed off a few drugs that included a couple things that went up her nose .. i was somewhat suprised but i knew my mom had been experimental in her youth. she visited friends in third world countries via the peace corps in the 60s .. she was that kinda hippy chick. she also told me that her points of view changed dramatically during the course of her life. especially when she became a parent. with that said, she wanted to tell me not to do these things. i'm her child. she said it's kinda instinct. but she knows what it did for her back in her youth. she told me to be careful and have a good time. my mom. i'm proud of her.

in other drug news, i purchased more dxm. in a different form this time. i won't go into detail but i'm pretty sure i'm going to climb to new heights. znite was killing me. the taste makes me gag just to think about it. but thinking about it now, i've chugged like eight bottles of cough medicine in the past few weeks. no doubt it's left a scar on my brain .. in more ways than one most likely.

anyway, i'm going to continue listening to still and chill for the remander of the night .. back to work tomorrow. it's been a really good extended weekend. i think i'm ready to return to the grind. <3

Posted by soundgard at 09:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

[nine inch nails - adrift and at peace]

Posted by crazyfoo at 03:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

fucking hangover. dexover. whatever. it's not like an alcohol hangover. i don't have a headache .. at least i don't think i do. i just feel fucking worthless. all my responses are slow .. general feeling of .. guh. at least i have my vision back. dex gives me blurry then double vision at lower doses. well, does the same with higher but along with the fucked up eyes i also lose control of my soul and .. stuff like that. anywho i'm going lay in bed for a while longer. listening to the sound of my computer. the only thing that relaxes me.

Posted by soundgard at 08:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

listening to trapt's new album. i just dosed again. same amount as this morning. i love how music sounds. i'm sweating quite a bit .. i feel like a crack fiend :) it doesn't help that i have my door closed .. when there's no circulation in this room it gets really fuckin' hot. i love my computer.

so yea, eating some chips and drinking some water. about to become disconnected. hey crazyfoo, i love you. you are my best friend and heterosexual lifemate. always.

Posted by soundgard at 07:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

soaring at the moment. one thing i've realized. i can't accurately put my experience in any audio format. i tried though.

dex gard 1
dex gard 2
dex gard 3
dex gard 4
dex gard 5

i didn't peak in any of those .. i'm about to, though .. i can kinda feel it. typing is becoming near impossible .. well, harder. at any rate, enjoy my insanity.

Posted by soundgard at 11:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

i couldn't sleep. i hate nights like this. i can hear the train. i don't live really close to the tracks. close enough. so i've been organizing my files again. all my illegal movies, applications and games have been sorted and resorted too many times so i decided to tackle the more daunting task of .. my documents. i have stuff saved in here that's been preserved for years. it's kinda like my lockbox. i back it up pretty regularly. mostly pictures and assorted downloads i've deemed to be worth saving. so i ran across some pictures of her. she had sent them to me i don't know how long ago. really made me think. i really fucked up .. and at the same time didn't. seeing these pictures hasn't helped. just refreshed my feelings for her .. i don't consider that to be a good thing .. but at the same time it is. i guess. i don't really know anymore. i kill myself with whatif. but as long as i tell myself that my 'whatif' is totally different from hers i'll be okay .. that's what i tell myself .. and then i do some drugs and things seem to be okay.

i'm so fucking down right now .. dxm tomorrow.

Posted by soundgard at 12:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

seriously, if you have any respect for me, close this window. i just have to say a few things in a semi-public venue to feel better.

i'm a fuck-up. failure. loser. i should kill myself but i don't have the balls to do it. i want impossible things. the only reason they're impossible is because i have no faith in myself. i don't think i have anything to offer anyone. i don't stand up or fight for things because i realize that there are better options. options that don't have anything to do with me. take for example me not being in any relationship. it's mostly because i /realize/ i have nothing to offer. it would be a lie if i said i didn't care. but that's what i say anyway. because i avoid conflict. but instead of facing myself or whatever issues i have i avoid. like i said, i'm a loser and if i don't change i'm going to be alone until i die.

but i don't care.

Posted by soundgard at 09:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

don't fuck me in the ass and call me in the morning. that's just not something you fucking do. jesus christ.

i got a new fucking phone. my fucking treo was fucking up a lot with a lot of fucking static. now i have a fucking nokia 6820. it's really fuckin' nice and enjoy fucking it.

fuck.

i didn't go to work today. fuck it. i called in because i still feel like fucking shit. i have tomorrow and tuesday off. i think that's really fucking fantastic.

i don't have anything else to say. <3

Posted by soundgard at 06:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

this weekend was fun, but now i feel very drained. on friday night i saw nin in chicago with queens of the stone age. it was a fucking amazing show, as it usually is for nine inch nails. my friend nikki and i had a great time, and it was super fun to down a 1/5 of jaeger 15 minutes before the show. i was pretty drunk for queens of the stone age. but then nin came on, and terrible lie started, and the moshing began which really sobered me up.

last night i saw that moving.. Waiting, with ryan reynolds and dane cook. it was pretty funny and up my alley as far as comedies go, but i really felt like dane cook didn't get too many lines. it was mostly just ryan reynolds making wisecracks. but all in all, still worth seeing for a laugh.

now i've gotta do accounting and c++ homework for the rest of today and tonight. unngh!

Posted by crazyfoo at 02:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

i have a sore throat. bacteria in my sinuses starting a war. i feel like shit. physically and mentally. if i had a gun ...

i have a lot on my mind but i'm not going to go into it. i'm tired. of a lot of things. a lot of things.

Posted by soundgard at 05:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

i really liked soundgard's constant updating. it gave me something to look forward to reading multiple times a day. i don't think i have the ability to constantly write something here. i just suck that much.

i saw the billy nayer show with sleepytime gorilla museum tonight. it was a great show. cory mcabee from bns is a really nice guy.. got to say hi to him after the show. and sleepytime gorilla museum is just.. fucking nuts. christ. nin is friday. hopefully it'll be good.

lately i've just been feeling so empty and depressed. i feel like i have nothing to look forward to in my life. i know i've said this here before, but that's just my general outlook lately. i was thinking of making some life changes.. maybe trying to go out more, smoking less ganja, and trying to do "the right thing" with my life when i see the opportunity. maybe i just need a dxm trip too. it's been too long. usually that helps me "start a new chapter" or "open a fresh page"... if you know what i mean. maybe that won't even help. i feel lonely so often. i also feel like meeting new people is hopeless. nothing is fun anymore. god, i'm a loser.

Posted by crazyfoo at 12:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

[spoken by soundgard]

i've stopped the constant updating. i'm glad .. was starting to make no sense. if it made sense at all .. ever .. anyway. i'm enjoying the new nickelback album. the first track pounds me in the ass pretty good. i really like lipstick. on girls.. i mean, like .. well .. dot dot. i dunno. my dxm experiences have left a hole in my brain. i feel depressed as usual only the depression is empty. i think because of this i hate life more than usual. i'm pretty sure crazyfoo would understand what i'm saying.

i have the volume at around 50% right now. walls are vibrating. rock and alt.rock is what i am. bass guitars and drums are the components of my lifeblood.

i think the quality of audio hardware really makes a difference on how people view music. the track i'm listening to now (04-animals) wouldn't be that great if i had a lesser system. my audigy2 and logitechs are thumping and making me not hate life (sidenote: this only lasts for the length of the track .. i still hate life and understand that while i'm listening)

thirty minutes until i start getting ready for work again. motherfuck. i'm going to ask for a fulltime position. why? i like the pain. but fulltime at bestbuy is 32 hours. right now i'm working around 28-30. so for an extra couple hours i get benefits. maybe then i can go see a doctor about some death.

my head is starting to hurt from the noise. that may give you an idea of how loud it is in here right now. i'll be deaf shortly. but who cares? i know you don't. i don't. so whatever. it'll be something different. and this way when i pull the trigger i won't hear it and hopefully it'll be quick enough where i won't feel it either.

i asked crazyfoo earlier how to make things better .. his reply was a nice ass and a big set of tits. i agreed .. but got (even more) depressed at the same time. we're not /that/ materialistic so don't take it the wrong way. i think we both want someone to share life with .. like the missing piece of our puzzle. thing is, he's a self-hating jew and i'm just self-hating.

red lipstick .. by the way. and black eyeliner. lots of it.

Posted by soundgard at 12:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

i think that because i hate myself and my life so much that seeing other people being happy disgusts me. that's so wrong. how will i ever meet anyone or be successful with this attitude? fuck. i wake up every day wishing that i wouldn't have woken up at all.

i saw an awesome show tonight though, my buddy kyle playing guitar and his co performer, brittney mitchell. it was a good time.

my brain hurts and my heart aches like it is dying.

Posted by crazyfoo at 03:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)