negative
time to bitch.
today has been shit. i've had the day off but i hate it. tomorrow i go to work and i hate that as well. i'm a loner and i think i'm getting sick of it. i hate being alone all the time. even at work i'm in my own world. i'm pretty sure i've ranted about this before multiple times but deal with or stop reading.
of course i have nobody to blame but myself. and the amount of time i've said that only strengthens the case that i'm never going to do anything about it. for some reason i've convinced myself that i'm only happy when there's no one around. my most recent attempt to solve this quandary has been drugs as i've made so obvious. even right now i'm plotting my next experiment to alter the way i think so that i don't have to be the way i am.
i mold myself to what the people i'm around want me to be. when i'm by myself i'm a void since i don't have a persona all to myself. it's a strange feeling not to be able to know who you are. that's what scares me the most. like .. i require someone else to be complete, i can't do it on my own. but from what i've heard from various sources is that in order to be a companion to anything i have to first be self sufficient .. or something to that effect. for me, that feels like the "you have to have a car to get a job but you have to have a job to get a car" thing. probably confusing. i apologize.
so now i sit in this dark room. i'm probably going to bed in a few minutes. i don't have much else to do. i never do. i consider it to be normal so i don't complain much .. except for a few times when i feel like expressing this perpetual bullshit in words. if you've read this far i apologize once again.