when life sucks
.. what do i do? you guessed it! i drink dxm and listen to the new bloodhound gang album! my face feels warm. here's to not losing control of my stomach
"i'm the least you could do"
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.. what do i do? you guessed it! i drink dxm and listen to the new bloodhound gang album! my face feels warm. here's to not losing control of my stomach
"i'm the least you could do"
.. is coming through my window. it was about 70 or so this morning when i went to class and then it rained and now it feels about 50. christ. i hate this state.
yeah, life is just pissing me off right now. i think i should make some drastic changes. i just don't know what yet. it seems no matter what i do or what i try, i just have bad luck and i'm never happy. generally, i feel like shit.
i skipped accounting today cause i was feeling super nauseous in c++ and wasn't paying attention at all. so i figured why should i sit in a class that i'm not gonna pay attention to anyway. so i went home and forced myself to eat some lunch, and i felt a little better.
tonight i am gonna probably go see kyle play guitar and linnemann's.
i'm confused. who is mr. crazyfoo referring to? i ponder. even if the question isn't pointed at me i can't help but wonder. who is my mystery girl? i have no idea if she knows .. but it doesn't really matter. she's taken. which works out for the best .. since i imagine whoever i find to stay with me will eventually figure out "i could have done so much better than him" .. but that's beside the point. she's not even local. c'est la vie, right? life goes on .. i go to work .. and elle chases her tail.
there's a new girl in my life. she's pretty funny .. cute .. i love to brush my fingers down her back--she usually perks up and i smile. right now she's asleep on my bed. we were playing around earlier. as the title states, her name is elle. i think it's a beautiful name.
i should also mention, elle is our new baby cat. around four to five weeks old. my parents found her on the side of the road dodging traffic. the vet said everything from the xray checked out and in a couple weeks we'll take her back for shots and what not.
truth be told, my father actually named the kitten loretta lynn. i simply couldn't have that. i was going to go with "L" as a short form of loretta but overall i think elle is a pretty, girl name.
as for cisco and sassy .. they wanna know what the hell's going on. cisco is keeping a watchful eye on the new housewrecker and gives off an occasional hiss and growl. sassy just keeps away .. i don't blame her. the stress levels of having cisco around have already payed their tolls on her old little kitty body.
who are you?!
trip #2
i'm still a bit wet from perspiration .. in fact i'm going to lay down for a few .. continue in a bit.
ok. i'm still kinda floating. i love this shit. but i hate how hard it is to type. this time was way better than the last. i didn't trip as hard and see shit but i was really disconnected. i have cold's "a different kind of pain" album on loop .. no real reason. i put it on while i was peaking so i guess it just worked. and it still does i suppose though it's getting repetitive. i also like to put a movie on and set it to mute for background effects. today was take down (aka hackers2). i didn't watch it but for whatever reason i enjoyed having it on the tv. i had a scented candle burning while i was cracked out. it was really, really nice.
this time i dosed the same as last .. 540mg. i don't wanna fuck up and take too much too quickly. i'm doing this for fun. i'm confident now .. most likely next week i'll double up and see where it takes me.
it's kind of amazing how chill i feel right now. i almost called a ton of people while i was cocked and loaded. but instead i just sent a couple text messages to crazyfoo. for some reason i wanna hear someone's voice. but i really don't want that voice to be sober. i need to find a trip buddy.
i think i'm gonna go back to bed .. close my eyes ..
i am a whore. a whining, bitching whore. i'm not going to apologize for it .. wouldn't be sincere even though i was thinking about doing it. i'm also an idiot.
but whatever. i should get ready for work.
www.lodger.tv -> movies -> i love death
time to bitch.
today has been shit. i've had the day off but i hate it. tomorrow i go to work and i hate that as well. i'm a loner and i think i'm getting sick of it. i hate being alone all the time. even at work i'm in my own world. i'm pretty sure i've ranted about this before multiple times but deal with or stop reading.
of course i have nobody to blame but myself. and the amount of time i've said that only strengthens the case that i'm never going to do anything about it. for some reason i've convinced myself that i'm only happy when there's no one around. my most recent attempt to solve this quandary has been drugs as i've made so obvious. even right now i'm plotting my next experiment to alter the way i think so that i don't have to be the way i am.
i mold myself to what the people i'm around want me to be. when i'm by myself i'm a void since i don't have a persona all to myself. it's a strange feeling not to be able to know who you are. that's what scares me the most. like .. i require someone else to be complete, i can't do it on my own. but from what i've heard from various sources is that in order to be a companion to anything i have to first be self sufficient .. or something to that effect. for me, that feels like the "you have to have a car to get a job but you have to have a job to get a car" thing. probably confusing. i apologize.
so now i sit in this dark room. i'm probably going to bed in a few minutes. i don't have much else to do. i never do. i consider it to be normal so i don't complain much .. except for a few times when i feel like expressing this perpetual bullshit in words. if you've read this far i apologize once again.
my new bag is so nice. when i can afford it i'm going to pick up a kremlin messenger in navy with a black stripe. a high quality bag makes me feel important.
right now i'm sitting up against the wall in bed pecking awat on my laptop. i love this machine but it's lacking in some areas. for one it doesn't have a function to turn off the touchpad. when i'm typing a lot my thumbs tend to slide down and hit it once in a while and fuck me up. it also has really, really shitty 3d graphics. the sound (chip and speakers) is lacking. but other than that, it's a wonderful laptop that's help up very well since the day it arrived. oh, and it's silver. i would rather have something that's black. the next line of powerbooks better have black .. probably won't be hitting stores until this time or later -- next year :(
i think i'm a better person after my recent experience with mind altering drugs. i'm going to try to write up a better trip report next time. maybe with some recording of my laughing and screaming. mr. poisonhed pointed out something interesting today. a while back he chugged a bottle of robo for some dxm goodness and i blasted him for doing it. now look at me. i guess it's like back in the day when crazyfoo called me a nigger for smoking weed :)
as of my next paycheck, my debt will be down to two credit cards and my truck. the cards are very manageable if i'm careful and don't buy everything in bestbuy. the truck is .. the truck. i'm still considering buying a quad cab ram but it probably won't be until the 2008 line hits the streets. overall i'm fairly well off but i still need a promotion or a new, better job.
got the new bloodhound gang cd. i like. it's been worth the wait since hooray for boobies!
yeah.. uh, saturday is boring. so i don't have much to say. i'm going to see the corpse bride later tonight. that should be tasty.
i've learned a lot in the past couple days. for one, i love dxm. i can't wait until my next dose. second, i came to a couple realizations. the problem, though, is that i don't know if i'll do anything about them. it made a lot of sense when i was lying in bed feeling the power of heaven breeze against my body but now i'm questioning the validity.
one thing i saw was a girl i've loved for a long time but tossed away like so much trash. i've felt like shit about it for a long time but chose to ignore it because i thought it was the best thing .. and i still do in a way. but when the funny white powder was playing dodgeball with the nerves in my brain .. i started to think about what-if's and what-could-be's. doing that now makes me depressed as usual but for that couple of hours i was really happy .. maybe cause i convinced myself that they weren't simply "if" but actually true.
i also found an easy way to take away the bad things in my life. for a moment i saw my life as a series of pieces of .. string .. for lack of a better word. imagine a black space with a floating piece of fabric .. white cloth or something .. and rising from it is thread from that cloth and each represents a part of life. i could actually see what each one represents and cut it away. it was a very strange.
i believe i only made it to the first part of the second plataeu. i'm hoping to fly up to the third next time. my last dose was 540mg .. next will be 1080mg.
long live youth and drug society.
life is much better when you enter drugs into the equation. i feel like i can take on the world and just brush it off my shoulders because nothing can phase me. right now i'm on the first plateau. very calm. soothing. earlier today i overshot first and went to second where i would close my eyes and see all sorts of images and think all kinds of thoughts. while i was in bed feeling the force of the dex, a couple things i remember are images of leslie and julie. both were distant .. but at the same time not far away. it's really hard to explain but it kinda opens my eyes a little bit about what i've been seeing in the past weeks .. if you remember.
i feel kinda of drunk/stoned. i ball up my fists and crack my neck a lot. disconnected. it's a strange feeling but i'm liking it. bottles of water rock my world. so do corn flakes.
my life is odd .. i just want to make sense of it all.
i'm not going to say much right now because honestly i cannot. i'm just now coming down from a dxm trip and i had a really wild, mind-bending ride. it was a little painful at first but i became more at peace than i have been in a while. a lot of things came into my head .. some things that make sense and most that don't. right now i'm just trying to put the pieces together. it's a little hard to type. i'm currently floating in bed .. sweating a little bit and drinking water.
i miss you.
i guess it's been a little bit since i updated.. so i'm forcing my lazy ass to perform one. besides, gard's life is more interesting than mine. i like hearing about his, anyway.
i was feeling pretty good this week up until today when i woke up feeling dizzy, short of breath, and all around shitty. so i didn't go to class today.
tonight i'm going to see reggie and the full effect. should be a good show, although i don't know if i'm gonna be able to stand up for the whole thing. oh yeah, alk3 is there. i don't think i could care less about them anymore. after like 5 disappointing shows in a row, i think they are kind of washed up. unless they can pull an oldskool setlist out of their asses.
i've been playing some mortal kombat: shaolin monks for xbox. it's a pretty good game.. it kinda reminds me a little bit of jade empire, but more action oriented than rpg oriented. and they're doing a really good job of keeping that oldschool feel of the mortal kombat universe.
i want to cum inside you and make you my own. i want to feel myself bind to your body in a cyclone of glistening heat. i want to push you to your limits until you explode. i want to be with you and fuck you and love you until we die.
edit ..
twice today i've seen artwork that has reminded me of this girl. after staring at the pictures for a while i realize it's not really her but this hasn't just happened today.
bag tomorrow. gameboy micro friday. i shouldn't complain. whatever. i get paid on friday as well. it'll be my first full paycheck. i have to go to fucking work again today. it's like .. almost every day. i fucking hate it.
i've run out of things to say a few times over. i think i'm going to stop until i have something else to say. don't expect it.
okay. i went to the gamestop in the mall where i originally made the reserve. walk in .. query the status of the micro and guess what?! the fucker says it won't be in until friday. WHAT? i was fucking told today. that's bullshit and a half. so i bought advance wars dual strike instead. because i was feeling bad and instead of suicide i bought something. i drive home. so i get here and decide to call another gamestop in town and see what the fuck is going on. mind you these are the guys that told me it'd be in today. so i call and again ask about the status of the micro and low and behold .. "oh, it ships today and will be here tomorrow" .. what? okay so one guy is telling me tuesday and another is telling me friday .. i'm getting lied to from all sides! this is horseshit
no micro today. so i'm forced to play advance games on my ds. how not fair is that?
i'm on a diet of doritos, reese's pieces and coke with lime. i'm about to put some clothes on and head to gamestop for my gameboy micro. 'cause ya know, sometimes jacks rule the realm. honestly i don't feel like waiting and i want to make sure it has a good charge for when i go to work later today and want to sneak into the warehouse to play zelda.
umm. advance wars dual strike is out i think .. for the ds. i might pick that up 'cause i'm a tool and have more money than god. just remember kids .. money doesn't make you happy. look at me. but really i don't have a ton of money .. just a job and a boatload of credit. two of the credit cards i never use (don't even carry in my wallet) have about $10k available. then there's my american express with no spending limit. and my second american express with $10k. then there's the the other cards .. i won't go into it. i'm trying to get myself into debt hard and fast.
i'm so pissed about square pushing the english dubbed advent children to january. it was supposed to be out last week. fucking christ. i've been watching a lot more g4tv. kinda strange since i'm not a gamer. i think i just enjoy watching other people talk about games. they also have some fun antics.
umm. i'm bored and have nothing else to say.
this will mark the 50th post to this new weblog. that's somewhat cool but not really. i doubt much of this is anywhere near important or interesting. licks and hugs.
these spicier nacho doritos kick ass.
so anyway, gaming today got cancelled. and i have no idea why. i'm somewhat pissed but whatever. i get to sit here some more. don't work until 345p tomorrow .. makes me kinda happy. actually very happy 'cause i think i only work like four hours. part time rules. speaking of work today sucked really fuckin' hard. two of us opened this morning and it was crazy busy. after work i was in pain. so i went to gamestop and bought some gba games (zelda: minish cap, final fantasy tactics and warioware twisted). i felt better and proceeded home where my mother had grilled some steaks. good stuff.
i'm all out of love. i'm so lost without you. big bucks! no wammies! are you stalking me? 'cause that would be super. it's getting close to my bedtime.
i love you
i just noticed that my cable company just added mtv2 to my basic lineup. that's pretty damn cool. i had no clue headbangers ball is still on. that kinda rocks. i love a good metal video. makes for good background music as well.
i just made an online purchase. slickdeals.net pointed me to geeks.com where there's an awesome deal for cat5e. certified for everything from 10baset to gigabit over copper. 1000ft with 100 connectors, a crimper and a testing tool -- $40usd w/ shipping. how fuckin' nice is that?!
as for that sweet swiss army usb tool, i've decided against it. logically speaking, i have a pocket knife that was included with my uber jensen toolkit. i can get a 1gb flash drive at bestbuy for under $40usd. with all the other shit i want to buy, i might as well let this fetish slip away from my greedy fingers.
oh shit .. a throwdown video is on. fucking metal! and half an hour 'til adultswim .. life is good for the time being.
i don't feel so good. i think i overdosed on pieces of chocolate and glasses of milk. it's cool, though. the pain reminds me of how much i hate. so anyway
the film was pretty outstanding. the story was sad but told extremely well. the cast was wonderful and the scenes were beautiful. it's a gritty tale of love and politics. great mystery.
tomorrow i start inventory for the bestbuy geek squad. terrible. but whatever. as long as i'm dealing with items and not customers i'll be happy.
on monday i pick up my gameboy micro. i'm kinda excited but not really. i want my laptop bag more .. scheduled to be here wednesday. oh! speaking of buying things, i think i found a usb flash drive and knife ... o m f g !!! ... that thing is hot. i must have the 1gb version. there was something else i wanted to buy .. there's a lot of things .. but i don't remember what i was thinking about ten minutes ago. wait! headphones! i'm giving my kinyo 5.1's to my dad with his new laptop so i need something to replace them. i've been looking at the sony monitors. dj headphones like the mdr-v700dj. my only problem is the plastic. for $100usd i would rather they be aluminum or something. i've read that the sound quality is fantastic .. still researching.
i'm having the urge to play some playstation2 but i feel that doing so is a waste of my beloved time away from work. but honestly .. is sitting here, typing in this box and watching tv any better? i guess playing games makes the time go by faster. speaking of watching tv, right now i'm checking out the third episode of the english dubbed naruto on cartoon network's toonami. so far it's cool .. i'm liking it better than the english dubbed japanese version. trigun easily kicks it's ass, though. as does fullmetal alchemist, samurai champloo and cowboy bepop to name a few that are still on the air. i suppose i would put naruto and inuyasha on the same level.
time to watch xplay on g4tv i suppose. morgan webb is pretty.
motherfuck yea, bitches! in the motherfucking house with this muh'fuckin block rockin' beat! .. you know who it is. don't fuckin' front! orbital, yo! orbital!
i slept pretty good last night. the alcohol helped me pass out. i think this means that i should drink every day in order to lead a healthy life. i feel productive. i pushed my psp's software to version 2.00. now it can connect to my WPA enabled router. that means i can do two things: network update instead of having to do it manually and 'surf' the internet with the newly built-in browser. i can also set backgrounds which is sweet 'cause digitalblasphemy released a set of 75 wallpapers "with a little intelligent cropping" to fit the screen like a glove. i've fallen in love with my mobile entertainment unit once again. it's kinda neat how electronics treat me better than women.
i'm about to take a shower and go see a movie with my mother. "the constant gardener" .. it looks really good and got some pretty outstanding reviews. the director, fernando meirelles, previously filmed "city of god"--a foreign film that won awards all over the world--that's as deep .. as, uhhh .. the darkness of my soul .. so that's my plan for the day.
peace.
all i have available to me right now is miller lite. it sucks but since i refuse to leave the house i'll deal with it. i have some lemon/lime salt to add to the piss taste. the salsa doritos are also helping with the flavor. the bottle of vodka is still sitting on my desk. i'm about to drink it before i finish this post.
hey! i have an idea! i'm going to link to some hardware i want. nothing i will probably ever have but something i would consider a really p-h-a-t upgrade to my rig. let's start ! ! !
cpu - pentium extreme edition 840
my god. this thing rips a hole in the fabric of space and time. dual core with two 1mb L2 caches and .. yes .. hyper threading. HT on dual core. jesus fuck. i'm so hard right now.
motherboard - abit aw8-max 3rd-eye ii
a fucking insane cpu requires a fucking insane motherboard. this thing owns my pants off with ddr2 800 support, dual gigabit ethernet onboard, silentotes (heatpipe off the northbridge), and various other toys. the only thing i find lacking is the hdd support. six sata2 and one ide channel. but that's really no matter. i can easily build a fileserver over the gigabit network with a few terabytes. local network streaming porn.
memory - corsair xms2 pc2 6400 (x2)
i love corsair. this is xms with the led lights mounted on the top for added effect. ddr2 800. sick and sexy. two of these sticks .. 2gb .. i win the fucking game.
video - bfg tech geforce 7800gtxoc
a guy i work with bought this card. it's fucking insane. 256mb of gddr3 that's factory overclocked and dripping with digital sex. he took it out of the box and i almost ran to the bathroom to clean up. i really like bfg tech .. good name that represents quality.
case - lian li v series pc-v2100b
i don't really need a case since i'm happy with my current lian-li but if i needed one, i would be looking at this beast. so sexy. lian-li makes the best cases hands down. 12 internal 3.5" bays. this would be so fucking sweet for a fileserver. the sexiest fileserver you'll ever lay your eyes upon. god i love computing.
so yea. there are more required components but for now, there's the core. and the total for these parts? .. heh .. $2455.99 USD
[current music]: kmfdm - free your hate
so it's the end of the week. my body feels like a sieve for caustic chemicals. if i grow horns by the end of the weekend, is that normal? what the fuck is normal anyway? i think i shall arm myself and start killing randoms on sight.
i have some special brownies that are slowly getting stale. what is wrong with me and what is wrong with the world?
i've been listening to a few new albums. the last disc i purchased was pretty strange for my taste but worth it. kanye west - late registration. i heard golddigger and diamonds while at work and thought they sounded really good. the rest of the album is pretty tight as well. trapt - someone in control is one i've downloaded recently but didn't listen to immediately. pretty solid tracks all the way thru but i really like lost realist. in the ways of metal, i've been listening to hypocrisy, chimaira, chimaera (can someone tell me if there's any relation between those two ..) and biohazard to name a few. oh! how can i forget taproot - blue sky research !! i know i've mentioned them but this album is probably their best in my opinion although gift is a very close second. there's a lot i've been listening to on xm .. i just never catch the names--too lazy to look at the display.
expect at least four more "updates" today .. i have nothing else to do.
around 1130 last night i fell asleep. even though i have the day off today, i don't think my lack of willingness to stay up and watch adultswim is strange. i'm a creature of habit and a slave to the system. but anyway, last night i kept waking up after having some really awful dreams. they weren't nightmares .. i haven't had anything like that since i was little. i can't really say what they were because i don't remember. except for the last one. i was a black female. sometimes in first person and sometimes in third. but my name was still the same. wrote it on documentation and everything. i even signed my suicide letter with my name. that's the fucked up part .. and i think that's what happened in the previous dreams. i killed myself.
it was really fucked up because it was so stressful and hurtful while i was writing the letter and tying the rope and what not .. but when i woke up, before i even realized where i was or that i was even in bed, i felt this calm. i don't know what it means or if it even has meaning but i do know that it's almost seven in the morning and i can't sleep anymore.
sometimes i wanna cry .. but i never do. that would just be stupid. i guess it would be a waste of emotion. maybe i just have bad indigestion.
overall .. whatever. i'm going to watch tv.
after work today i stopped at coldstone. again. i seem to be doing that a lot but seriously, the place is across the street. plus ice cream helps when it's smooth and creamy. at any rate .. i just finished off a pint of it. i feel like shit .. but a good kind of shit. i got somewhat excited a few minutes ago when i felt a pain in my arm. "oh my god! is it time?!" ... then no. i guess i'm not fat enough yet. maybe too young. i don't know. my heart is a son of a bitch and refuses to stop.
other than that, i just finished watching the shawshank redemption. i'm really bad at rating films and listing them in some type of order but this is somewhere in my top ten. if you've seen it you'll understand. if you haven't you deserve to die. "i guess i just miss my friend."
there's a small amount of smirnoff sitting on my desk. above it, actually. in front of my replica light saber and next to my linksys router. i may chug it and see what happens. ice cream and liquor. and doritos. cool'er' ranch. i remember when it was cool ranch. then it became cooler. but it's been "cooler" for a long time. why don't they just put it back to cool?
Red: "I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope."
my life is moving at the speed of hatred. on the drive home from work today i had my left arm up and held onto the top of the headrest. my head was back and i was listening to "the system" on xm radio. lots of good electronic/techno/trance. thru my sunglasses and truck's windshield, the world looked like old film footage. kinda aged and dirty. i'm getting pretty sick of things.
i want my chrome bag and gameboy micro. i want a lot of things. most of them i can't have .. one thing i want more than others but it seems like the most unlikely. crazyfoo doesn't even know what it is .. and i doubt i'll mention it. it's one of those things you just deal with. like right now as i was thinking and typing i looked at winamp and it looked back at me and started playing some tool .. after i hit play. once again music makes everything better.
i don't go back to work until sunday morning. when i get there i'll be starting on inventory. that really fucking sucks. i've heard horror stories. consider how big bestbuy is. i really feel for the media department (music and movies). oh well. for the next couple days i doubt i'll leave my room. that's the highlight of my life right now. on that note, i'm gonna go walk into incoming traffic and hope they don't stop this time.
today sucked as expected but went by fairly quickly. there were a few moments when i was laughing with the other guys but other than that i was getting fucked up by correct procedure.
when i got home my dad's new laptop and memory upgrade was on my bed. so for the past six or so hours i've been formatting, installing and configuring it. about done now, pretty sweet little rig .. for an amd. the hdd is a huge bottleneck. at 4200rpm, windows isn't really responsive. i pumped it up from 256 to 768mb of system memory, though .. makes a difference. the wireless is a little quirky too .. but it's broadcom. this is why intel is so fucking kick ass. centrino includes intel's own wireless adapter which totally flips out and chops people's head off. overall acer has made a pretty solid product for a great price.
before i started working on this laptop i decided it was time to give my own mobile pc an upgrade .. but not with hardware. i purchased this soma laptop bag from chromebags.com. crazyfoo turned me on to chrome and i think they're fantastic. they've already emailed me the shipping information .. again, you get what you pay for. quality.
it's after eleven so i'm going to start getting ready for bed .. i hate myself a lot.
dane cook is the fucking man. i've been listening to "harmful if swallowed" while i get ready for work. while i was doing my listerine mouthwash thing he started on his burger king bit. i tried so hard .. my lips were like a homophobic redneck's anus .. but he got to the part with "the pickles .. sweet and sour sauce on my pussy" and i spit all over the fuckin place. man, good stuff.
roughly ten minutes before i go to work. i have a feeling today is going to suck .. but maybe that's why it's going to suck. i lack positive mental .. whatever. focus? that works. i don't remember if i mentioned this but i grabbed final fantasy vii: advent children the other day. japanese audio with english subs. i don't think the english dubbed dvd will be out until january .. 'least that's what the guy at gamestop said. but whatever .. at least now i can view the fantastic work of square-enix. i would like to throw out the name squaresoft as well. i know they've merged but squaresoft originally made final fantasy 7 and that's worth the world twice over.
i have to go now
[current music]: no address - when i'm gone
so yea. another day down the drain. wearing the geek squad attire makes me feel like a giant tool. work is slowly killing me but that's okay. it's not like i exactly enjoy being here. all-in-all everything is coming together. i'm still getting used to the two half tons of computers flowing in every day. a lot of it is bitchwork like inspecting a new system or installing antivirus/spyblocker software. i like messing with hardware .. installing harddrives or cards.
i miss my servers. at bestbuy i have to deal with shitty software that crashes a lot. i have no access to do anything about it. the business computers are all old ibm's that /must/ be repaired by ibm on-site. we're not allowed to do a damn thing. i don't think i work well with people. and i mostly mean other employees. there's a lot of bitching in the squad. personally i think having to listen to it is harder than dealing with whatever pitiful crap they dish out.
on a brighter (though somewhat dark) side, i put down money at gamestop for the gameboy micro. i'm a fuckin' slave. whatever, though. i need these things to live. it's who i am and what i do. if you don't like it, please send written notice with your full name, address and phone number so that i may kill you before i kill myself. oh, and i also picked up a battery for my laptop at radio shack. cmos wasn't getting saved and the clock was constantly going back to 2001. those tiny 3v lithium batteries are pretty fuckin' expensive.
i would like to take a moment for my dearest friend, crazyfoo. he is going thru a tough time and dealing with it so much better than i could. you are the fucking man and i bow to you. i love you, brother.
[current music]: caesars - jerk it out
i figured it was about time for an update, although not much is going on. saturday night was andrea's birthday party at owen's cabin. it was a good chill time with a lot of old friends. i think andrea had a good time too. hooray.
this week is chemo, all day and every day. unngh! well, i'm on day 2 of 5 currently. hopefully i can make it to friday, but then i'll be even sicker this weekend. guhh. sorry, i have to make a lot of grunting noises to describe this process.
also, got kmfdm's new hau ruck cd. what a classic masterpiece. they could have made this record in 1989 and it would sound just the same.
[current music]: 30 seconds to mars - hunter
that loaded dvd was complete shit. got a blue screen within five minutes of finishing the install. now i'm doing the reinstall manually and .. of course .. it's running great so far. still installing a couple drivers and once that's complete i'll start on my mobile software package.
i got my uniform for geek squad today. white socks, black shoes. black slacks, black belt. white tshirt, white button-up, black clip-on tie w/ geek squad pin. .. yea.
i'm starting to feel a little more comfortable at bestbuy. my coworkers are starting to ask me questions about repairs they're working on .. more confidence in me i suppose.
not too much else to report. while writing this on my desktop, i've just about finished the laptop. installing security tools now. just saw a commercial for dodge. they're doing that "employee discount for everyone" bullshit. but they're selling a ram quad cab st 4x2 for under 18k. that's less than i paid for my single cab. i wanna do it so bad but i dunno. i'd at least need to be working full time. who knows, i may figure something out.
half life was probably the best first person game i ever played. the single player gameplay, story, graphics .. everything was rock solid. multiplayer was just as wonderful adding years to the lifespan. i think one reason people (including myself) latched on it so easily was the main character .. gordon freeman. he wasn't a hero. he wasn't ex-swat or cia or special forces but he saves the fucking day despite all odds .. that kicks ass to me.
alan wake is a normal guy. and the name of a pretty sweet looking nexgen game. i first saw this while checking out g4tv earlier today. could this possibly be the next half life? it's going to be released on pc and nexgen consoles but since i'll be purchasing a xbox360, i'll most likely console it up.
speaking of buying the next xbox, that fucking thing is going to be expensive. and i don't care that microsoft won't be making any initial profit by selling it at that price .. it's still fucking high at $400. problem: for work it would make my life easier to have a flash drive around my neck with tools for pc repair. the product i want costs around $125. since i'm poor and can't afford shoes for my children, this little toy would have to go on my credit card and sit there for a while. same goes for the xbox. i'm /going/ to buy the xbox. i have to. but .. wait .. isn't work supposed to take precedence? ..
while sitting here typing i saw a review for the gameboy micro. i want it. i bought a ds. don't play it. bought a psp. don't play it. if i buy a micro will i play it? no. does that mean anything? no. i'm probably going to buy it 'cause it's small and looks cool. see how conflicted i am? this is why my five boys and four girls are starving and barefoot.
as you've probably noticed, i throw down a whole lot of bullshit here. most of it is useless and inspired by boredom. guess what .. have some more.
i'm still in a daze from waking up. reinstalling xp on my laptop using a "loaded" dvd. it's probably going to be stupid but i figured why the fuck not. speaking of laptops, i bought one for my dad yesterday. acer using an amd sempron mobile chip. ... yea ... i hate myself but i have my reasons. he needed the cheapest portable available since he's not going to use it for anything but mappoint (streets and trips), wifi and gprs/edge. that also means he wouldn't be using the full potential of centrino. whatever.
bill & ted's excellent adventure is on right now. i'm watching it. time to light some candles and start drinking before work.
i would just like to say: the way you lived your life, it mezmerizes me. now won't you take some time to cast out your regrets. why did you leave our lives, it mezmerizes me. so won't you take the time to cast out your regrets.
i know i only really talk about three bands .. cky, clutch and 311 .. but i really do listen to a lot more. i mentioned taproot earlier. but beyond that i have quite a collection of music. right now, though .. these bands are speaking in a language i understand. helping me cope with how unhappy i currently am. from time to time i try to throw out some semblance of happiness .. but overall, no.
i guess i'm not listening to anything that's super negative right now. trying to keep my head above water or something. at any rate, i'm going to continue listening to 'an answer can be found' and watching the muted television.
edit: i snapped off a few pictures with my nikon. please note that i am still a novice with this slr cam. once i attune myself to the features i'll be able to produce better photography. the model is also lacking so please forgive. nikon series
today has been okay so far. went into town to double check my work schedule for tomorrow. while i was at best buy i checked some employee pricing for car audio stuff. speakers. decks. amps. my truck's gonna have some serious punch.
on the way home i stopped at domino's and got that new angus steak pizza. it's fucking fantastic. also stopped at a local grocery store for corona and a few limes. on a side note, honey bunches of oats cereal bars are very, very good.
that's all i have to say for now. i'm gonna chill for a while. don't work until 7:30pm tomorrow night so plenty of time for slackenhowernessfullbeanpowersuperlick .. etc.
hey! welcome to best buy, my name's charles .. so i see you're checkin out this norton security package .. would you like to have sexual intercourse with me?
<3
whenever i wake up i'm haggard. it's the wrong way to start a day but it's not like i have a choice. i swear to god if i didn't have good much like the new taproot i'm listening to now, i would try to kill myself like back in the day.
since i'm an employee of best buy i'm eligible for membership in intel's retailedge program. it's basically really thick intel sales shit for retail folks. lots of quizzes that give out "chips" that add up for the purchase program in october. get 7000 chips and you're eligible for the package. 10000 and you're guaranteed. right now i'm at 7570. i'm not sure if i can make it to 10k due to the limitations of starting so late. retailedge actually starts in january and goes thru october 24.
the package is pretty insane. pentium d 820 -- intel board d945psn -- winxp pro -- adobe elements 3.0 -- $215. that's pretty fuckin sick considering the cpu alone is around $270 on newegg.com. but of course in order to use this hardware i'll need to purchase memory, video, etc. it'll end up being expensive but i need to upgrade anyway.
god fuck i love intel so much it makes me want to flip out and kill people like real ultimate power
resonating through me, doctors horrified, all still unsatisfied, poison as a cure, the failure to control me, tripled manic state, outrageously created for me
fuck allergies. they make me hate .. as if waking up wasn't bad enough. it's cool though. blasting a bit of cky makes me feel like less shit. please step away from the vehicle. are you not entertained? don't answer that.
fell asleep last night watching adultswim. around midnight i think. that makes me such a fucking tool. speaking of being a tool, crazyfoo and i are going to off ourselves sometime in the near(?) future so if you would like to join or take pictures, feel free to keep up with the latest weblogs for detailed information. we hate life so you don't have to (tm)
... than to live like this.
okay, gang. this is really exciting for me. in about 15 minutes i will be watching the season premier of THE OC! oh my fucking god, right??!?! i'm all giddy and grinning .. this is fucked up. i can't stand how much i love this show. i've been watching religiously for the past two seasons. the guys at work even felt sorry for me when i told them i watched it. one guy said he'd pretend he didn't hear me. sad sad situation. i'm such a fucked up kid.
in other news, my winamp playlist right now is quite simple but so very effective. i recommend listening: playlist.
i like food. earlier i had some mac & cheese with a really big glass of milk. it was heaven. before that i was playing some world of warcraft. hmm. today has been so fucking slack. and tomorrow i don't go to work until 2:30pm. i want chocolate chip cookies.
i have quite a collection of pornography. most of it is complete crap but i collect it 'cause i have way too much storage in this pc: one terabyte. earlier i grabbed somethin' from a torrent called "teeny creampies 2" .. the title made me giggle. what the fuck, right? so i'm watching it and beating off as usual .. but the whole thing about this "movie" is that every chick keeps saying "cum in my pussy!" over and over .. it's so annoying. and yes, the guys eventually do bust a nut in these chicks and you get to watch. i couldn't even finish the first scene without skipping forward due to gross curiosity. (and no it's not cause i just finished myself off that quickly) it was just so fake and stupid -- but don't get me wrong. i'm all 'bout it .. though can't say i've done it.
some of the girls on G4TV are pretty hot. it's too bad there's only about three good shows that i never watch 'cause i always forget. too busy watching tbs and comedy central.
today i had to get up at 7:30 so i could go get a breathing test done at the hospital. i just got back, and i am very, very tired. i don't have class until noon so i may take a short nap.
311 and clutch seem to be the only things i really enjoy right now. 311 for a lot longer but i get the same energy from clutch. this is what my life has boiled down to. i can't grasp onto my job right now most likely cause i think i'm better than what i'm doing which probably isn't even true .. in fact i know it isn't.
days off are nice. somewhat. i feel like a lazy piece of shit instead of enjoying the slack. as i sat thru the indoctrination yesterday, the manager .. good guy, plays world of warcraft .. said that he started at best buy with a part time home theater position. seven months later he was promoted up to senior and a year after initially joining up he was a manager. now training for sales manager -- one of the highest paying positions at the store level. he's 24. i'm 23. i ate that shit up .. made me wonder about the possibilies. could i make best buy a career instead of some stupid job to get me by for the time being? if i want to make that happen i really need to focus. i don't know yet
i think my chicken needs to leave the oven now. i must go.
i hated today. two classes. c++ is exactly like last semester so far, of course, because i've taken half this class before. accounting wasn't too bad.. i didn't really get too much of a feel of what the content is gonna be like, but my professor seems pretty chill.
so i am starting to get very nervous that i'm gonna get behind because of chemo and feeling ill. i may decide to take a half load this semester, because i think 2 classes would be less likely to give me a stroke on a daily basis than 4 classes.
oh yeah, 30 seconds to mars is coming here with audioslave. it kinda sucks, because i have no interest in seeing audioslave. but 30stm pwns.
work went suprisingly bad today. customers are the bane of my current existance which is bad at a place like best buy. my coworkers are great, though. i'm going to stick with it and see if i can numb myself to stupidity and anger.
after my scheduled time, i stayed a couple hours longer and ate some more propaganda. another manager feeding me the same sauce. i don't blame them .. they're trying to drill it into new employee heads. most people just aren't as smart as i am. <3
umm. what else. oh yea, i found out a bunch of guys at work play world of warcraft and a couple of them jumped me, beat me and forced me to start a character on their server. i'm gonna give it a try .. could be fun. and this should be an easy way to the "in" crowd. (a few of them are managers) .. i'm looking forward to it. they sound like very amateur, leisurely players.
i need sex. and some pancakes with maple syrup. and butter. with a glass of milk.
on a brighter note, here's all the concerts i'm planning on going to this fall:
reggie and the full effect w/ alkaline trio - wednesday, september 21
atmosphere - tuesday, october 4
the billy nayer show - wednesday, october 5
nine inch nails - allstate arena, chicago - friday, october 7
nine inch nails - memorial coliseum, madison - thursday, october 13
kmfdm - friday, october 14
local h - wednesady, november 2
slipknot - tuesday, november 15
i feel a little better than i did last night before i went to sleep. but not by much. my hands are very swollen and puffy. they are also almost completely numb. as in, i can't fucking feel them. how am i supposed to grip a pen in class to write anything? jesus. fuck. i am really not enjoying life too much lately.
when will things take a turn for the better?
look what fucking time it is. fucking look. i have to leave for work in less than an hour. this is goddamn unheard of. working for fucking nazi germany would probably be easier .. until they found out i have some jew somewhere in my family. that and i'm an american. i'd probably end up getting a luger in my face fairly quickly. fuck!
on the upside i only work six hours today and i'm off tomorrow. part time is kinda nice but i still hate it. i would so much rather have my old job back. it's unfortunate i wouldn't even consider it right now. it's times like this when chugging a frothy travel thermos of orange death sounds fucking fantastic. i want so badly to flip on my playstation2 and finish final fantasy x right now.
did i mention i have a memopad from IEEE with my name printed on it? yea, i'm better than you. i'm a membmer, bitch.
the chemo i got earlier today is affecting me in a very bad way. i had my entrepreneurship class. it seems like it could be interesting, but there also seems to be a lot of reading and work too. also they ask you to do some scary sounding financial analysis which i have never done in my life.
fuck. i feel so sick, i couldn't even imagine doing homework right now. every bone in my body is aching and my fingers are swollen and completely numb. not to mention i feel like puking in a major way. hopefully it won't happen.
did i mention i smell fucking great right now? ...
also, i've uploaded a few pictures i found on my camera. nothing amazing or spectacular. the most recent is me with my newest haircut.
i smell nice. i felt the urge to shave. so i did. my face is smooth except for the burns, goat and 'stache. i've been considering shaving off the mustache and leavingthe goatee to fly solo. i did it before and liked it. i dunno, though. and after i shave i generally take a shower 'cause that's how i roll. ended up spending a long time in the bathroom. and now i could probably get laid easily by blind chick.
so anyway, today was lazy. i sat around. watched tv. listened to music. clutch for the most part. blast tyrant and robothive/exodus. speaking of which i don't think i'll be heading up for the show. i'm not disappointed. there will be more. i am pretty sad about not heading up there, though. but again, another time.
omg omg omg. i just saw a dominos commercial for steak pizza. that looks good. i want. i've already had dinner but i still want that. holy shit if they delievered to my land-of-no-hope i would be rolling in cheese and sauce.
friends is coming on and will be followed by sex and the city. my next two hours are planned. does that make me a loser? =\
so i bought most of my books. my entrepreneurship class has 3 books, so it looks like i'll have a bit of reading to do for that class. production and operations management only had 1 book, and my accounting class seemed to have an optional cd-rom and study guide. so i'm not sure i need that one, so i'll have to wait till class tomorrow.
but i'm fucking tired now. that walk to and from the bookstore tired me out bad. i'm thinking of taking a short nap before my class at 5:30. yawn.
today's the first day of the fall semester. i'm not really looking forward to going to class. i have to go to chemo shortly and then i am going to buy my books when i get back. also on my way back from chemo i'm stopping and buying tickets for reggie and the full effect, slipknot, h.i.m., local h, and the billy nayer show. that's gonna be expensive, but i figure i should buy all the tickets for the shows i want to see this fall at the same time, so i don't have to worry about it later.
fuck. this bagel and cream cheese is dank. so i decided something must be done about my computer. it just hates the wireless card, no matter what pci slot i put it in. when data is being transferred over the wireless card, my sound is completely distorted. loud cracks and pops while playing any kind of audio. you must imagine how much this sucks since half the games i play are online. and i really don't want to run cat5 from the living room to my computer. fuck.
it was a decent weekend. the other night, i saw 40 year old virgin. it was hilarious. Steve Carrell is a funny guy.
I guess I felt alright this weekend, I only had a few instances where I felt overly tired or short of breath. School starts tomorrow. I have my entrepreneurship class at 5:30 PM.
I'm too tired to write more now.
that movie fucking rocked. it was full of whip ass and i loved it. jason statham can kick anyone's ass so many times over it makes me wanna cry. it's one of those films where you walk out of the theater feeling cool and when you're driving home your vehicle is kick ass and the music is blasting and you yourself could take on a room full of foes. i'm glad i saw it by myself. it's one of those where you can just sit and watch without any kind of interaction or commentary.
but when watching transporter 2 you have to remember that it's not based in reality. if you wanna see stuff that's possible go watch a documentary. if you wanna see wicked stunts and fight scenes go watch this movie.
work was okay today. kinda sucked. felt longer than before. i hate people in general. there are those few customer's that walk in not looking for a fight, though. mostly the older guys who like to make people laugh and have a generally good attitude. the younger guys who feel they have something to prove usually get ninja kicked in the face by yours truly. but i don't work tomorrow. and right now i'm eating ice cream from coldstone. so whatever.
love <3
in less than half an hour i leave for work. fuck. at least it's not as early as yesterday. still early, though. yesterday wasn't too bad. day went pretty quick and after work went to roll dice. we have some of the most ghetto characters. my dwarf just runs up to people and if i don't have enough of my turn left to do an action like attack then i'll just sit there and go "so what now, bitch? .. see this axe, mother fucker? yea .. i'm going to chop off your balls." then my buddy todd is the drunken archer that volleys arrows into space hoping to hit an enemy ... and did last night. rolled a critical and hit from like 300 feet or something at night. (with a 15% chance to hit me since i was next to the guy)
i'm tossing around the idea of going to see a movie after work. i really wanna see transporter 2. i suppose i'll post again tonight if i see it and give a full review. ... or at least say "omfg kick ass" and leave it at that.
today's choice for music: taproot, blue sky research
fortune teller's make a killin nowadays.
fucking a, man. meet me at the party boat. clutch is touring and will be in baltimore on the 23rd of this month. i seriously need to fly up there and see that show. cky is playing on the 10th but there's no way i could make that. tomorrow i'm gonna see if i can get the time off and if so will purchase plane and concert tickets. if i get turned down i'll probably cry but life moves on .. kinda.
why did i decide to dedicate an entire post to this when it's not even a for-sure thing? clutch is one of my favorite rock bands of all time. their music is inspiring and makes me flip out. i also don't get to see many shows since i live in this shitty place.
rock the fuck on, bitch.
i'm really hating my job. but i'm still in orientation so i don't think i'll quit. the training program is complete bullshit. 100% propaganda with some instruction on how to squeeze the customer into poverty. tomorrow i start actual job training, though. i hope. maybe i'll actually get to look at some bastard's busted ass computer, hit some keys, fix it and feel better about myself.
last night i wasn't getting sleepy and couldn't sleep so i took a unisom sleepgel. an hour later it hadn't done anything so i took another. next thing i know my alarm is yelling at me and i'm face first in my pillow drooling. my morning shower didn't even wash away the haggard.
i'm really looking forward to the transporter 2. it's in theaters now so i need to find some time to see it. jason statham is an incredible man. he fucking ruled in lock stock & two smoking barrels/snatch as well as the first transporter. i work monday but i'm off at around 3:30 so i might slip away to the theater that's two minutes away. one big plus about my employment is location. consumer mecca.
at any rate, if anyone wants to make out call my cell <3
my new found respect for apple's mobile solutions is limited. laptops are one thing. intel mobile technology (god please let apple use merom - the ball busting new mobile platform that will murder amd) plus apple's good looks and charm can put a smile on anyone's face. did i mention back lit keyboard? yea.. the only thing that would make me complete as a person would be to have a black intel powerbook. god.
but anyway, with that said, i will never in my life own an apple desktop system. if heaven and hell collide and form some type of universal facist regime that only allows people to use apple computers, i'll simply stop being a geek/nerd/generally cool guy and go into gay pornography. "but gard, why be so harsh?" fuck you.
it's ideas like the "mighty mouse" that really piss me off. why the fuck is apple such a stupid company when it comes to shit like this? have you seen this devil contraption? most people know apple uses the insanely stupid single button mouse. what a piece of shit. finally they came out of their shoebox and said, "hey! 99.9% of the free world uses multiple button mice cause they're so much better! let's create a two button mouse." okay. the thought is noble. the physical unit is, in my professional opinion, lacking anything logical. first and foremost, why stay behind the times with two buttons? right now i'm using a logitech mx1000 with ten buttons. it fucking rules. also very obvious is the fact that this pile of mouse shit still has the same design -- it looks like the retarded one button. genius! it's like that sprite commercial that tries to parody (and fails) the "pimp my ride" genre of television shows by customizing the interior of a car while leaving the exterior untouched. that makes no sense. whatsoever. fuck you for being so stupid, apple. also, there still is no scroll wheel. instead, in an attempt to be sophisticated and inventive, there's a little touch sensitive nub that makes you makes you wonder why apple hires pedophile designers. another "feature" are the side buttons. my logitech mouse has three thumb buttons that all function separate of each other and rock my world. the "mighty mouse" design has two buttons, one on each side, that must be clicked together to form one action. oh my god. fucking christ, apple.
i just don't know what to say. i'm glad my parents bought me a pc back in the day. who knows what kind of brainwashing the macintosh computers would have put me through .. it's my opinion that an aid group should be formed for apple desktop users.
and don't get me started on xserver ...
in the past i've always used abit and gigabyte in my home machine. they're good names with an enthusiast edge involving features and overall value. as an administrator, however, i always went with the lower end budget for office application workstations. ecs, biostar, foxconn and the like. recently ecs had an editor's day in california and spotlighted some new concepts they're moving to for the "new" ecs. anandtech has a really nice article on this as one of their editors was invited to this conference. one thing that really stood out for me was the scalable dual graphics engines (S.D.G.E.). with ecs making an attempt to move up to the enthusiast market with "extreme" boards, they've also created this crossover platform for use in intel and amd configurations. quoting anandtech, "The basic idea of ECS S.D.G.E. is that you can start with a low-cost ($65 to $70) dual x16 PCIe motherboard for either an AMD or Intel processor. At some later point, when you can afford it, you can add an S.D.G.E. card for $30 to $35. With the long SDGE card added, your motherboard can now support a second video card in SLI/Crossfire type mode."
that sounds pretty awesome and with the new intel lineup coming out next year .. which is going to stomp the fucking shit out of amd cause intel is king (check out the developer's forum from a few weeks ago) .. i'll want to upgrade and do it with a limited budget. s.d.g.e sounds promising.
