MonkeyPhish

i don't really know what to say. it's 2am on the east coast and i'm sitting in my room not able to sleep wondering what the fuck. i have to work tomorrow. started my new job less than a week ago. i'm a fucking "agent" for best buy's geek squad. and on top of that i'm still in augusta-fucking-georgia. (on a side note, while i'm typing this, i'm saying it in my head in a very monotone style) all-in-all i've taken a few steps down the ladder of life. i used to be proud of my employment and position. it felt like i was on the road to a career as a network administrator. now i haven't even finished general orientation and i already hate it. they're pumping all kinds of propaganda thru me and it's making me ill. i try to justify all of this (as i usually do) with thoughts of wanderlust. "well, best buy is a huge company with stores all over this country. they even use the same training through SOPs. maybe i could use this to go up to baltimore. maybe this is my ticket! oh golly wouldn't that be grand?!" ... sigh

on top of that i've been playing a shitload of world of warcraft. i haven't been so addicted to a game since the original everquest of the late 90's. it's been a month+ .. give or take .. since i started and i'm already feeling the burn. i hate "mmorpg". i think i may just stop. cancel my account. i think i liked sitting here with nothing to do but download/listen to new and old music .. watch tv .. check out shitty porn .. talk to people who didn't use "u, r, lfg, afk, join my guild!, DWARFNUTZ IS A NINJA" and the like .. and generally be in a state of limbo.

not everything is bad, though. bad is just what i notice. i got really, really shitface, fucked up last week and in the process went online and bought a $40 icemat mousepad because my func pad was dirty and i didn't feel like cleaning it. my logic is pretty outstanding sometimes. i've also started playing a tabletop role playing game that stems off from ad&d. every sunday i meet with a few people, (who also play .. yea .. world of warcraft) we roll dice and it's generally fun. more fun than any graphically based rpg, in my opinion. (side note: i actually backspaced "imo" and typed out "in my opinion". i'm getting tired of all the shortcuts .. sometimes understandable with a case like advanced dungeons and dragons. i guess i feel i should more accurately type what i would say out loud)

i never finished final fantasy x. i burned myself out on that as well trying to level up my characters near the end of the game. the same happened with final fantasy vii .. still never completed. i have a shitload of playstation games sitting here. why did i go out and buy world of warcraft? i believe it's nothing in comparison to the stories told in some of these games. world of warcraft doesn't even have a story. these giant online games can't .. they need money to survive so an ending isn't possible. i believe a good story must have a good ending. (dot)hack. xenosaga. star ocean. kingdom hearts. the legend of dragoon. final fantasy i thru x2. i have all of these and haven't finished one. well. with the exception of final fantasy viii. that was a fucking fantastic game. best. ever. (side note: advent children is a bright shining beacon in my foggy future. i'm so looking forward to it)

in closing .. i'm not happy. for the longest time i thought my ex-girlfriend was the cause of all my stress and longing and while it's true that played a significant part in my general self hatred .. there's a lot more to my low self-esteem. i've always known but hating her was a lot easier to chew. instead of eating the tough, overcooked steak, i opted for the hospital pudding. my goal in life is to be content with something tasty and medium rare. first step: realize i'll most likely have to do this alone.

i missed you, movabletype. thank you, monkeyphish ..